Author Archives: melissafed

Rabbit Holes and Where You Land

Posted on by
3

I jumped through a rabbit hole on the internet. I followed it down an ugly space to where horrific murders and drugs lived. I had to shut my computer and step away. I had hoped shutting it off would keep me protected. Set apart. And then…I found myself I sitting on the floor, bare legs stretched out across dirty church carpet. But, sometimes you just need to take your shoes off on holy ground. Sometimes the holiest ground exists in the ugliest places.It wasn’t the message or the worship.

It was joining with the pray-ers this morning, asking how do we step into the brokenness?
It was sitting with a sister who isn’t feeling like herself and so we spent time thinking…praying… into what ‘self’ means. It was watching my husband talk to a young man about what grief means. Giving it room to breathe.

I don’t know what you expect from church, but as I get older, as I watch life a little longer, my expectations have changed drastically. I don’t want you to tell me how to be fulfilled. I don’t want you to glitter and sparkle and tell me how happy you are, how perfect your life.

I want to hear you say…I am broken…Jesus makes me feel like I might stay all together in one piece.

I want to hear you say…I am joining in the work of HIS redemption. How can I stand beside you and make you feel more whole?

I want to hear you say…Life isn’t what I thought it would be…and STILL…I am finding HIS JOY in it.

I want you to say…Church isn’t about what I can get. It is about what HE gave and about how I can also learn to be a giver.

Church…in the midst of this very broken world…a wounded bunch…open to more wounded souls…walking each other home.

What is saving my life right now…

Posted on by
4

I am ABSOLUTELY stealing this prompt idea from Sarah Bessey. Please don’t give me any creative credence. She wrote “When I re-read a book recently, and the author wrote about how she was supposed to speak at an event, and when she asked which topic they would like to here her expound upon, they said, well, just tell us what is saving your life right now.”

So without further ado…WHAT IS SAVING MY LIFE RIGHT NOW

 

 

The beauty of the sunset falling so heavy it makes me ache. Two beloveds in my lap. Madeline L’Engle. The Psalms. Sunsets. Deck dates. A.A. Milne. Jesus Storybook Bible. Fresh berries from fruit stands. The things they say (a 5 and a 3…the funniest). Burrowing Owl. Quiet. Silence. Stillness. Cars, princesses, sprinklers, sidewalk chalk. Long baths. Digging out. Making plans. Picking weeds. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Clean floors (for this single moment at least). A shortening to do list. Grace; learning to receive it, wear it, walk in it, live in it.

And as week three of camp winds down and we see the light of daddy returning…always…always…the hardest days…So also? Saving my life? Jake and the Neverland Pirates.

 

How about you? What ordinary miracle helped you out today?

 

When you wonder what you are here for…

Posted on by
Reply

My eyes flick open, brain starts spinning, stomach starts twisting.

My skin jumps on solutions and MORE and program and plan. Inputs, outputs, measurables.

But then. I put down my notebook with my own outlines, my own dreams.

This prayer that presses on me heavier than the rest of the weights?

It says.

BE STILL.

It says look at me.

It says I WILL be glorified.

To me it says, in spite of you. With you. Not because of you.

It says nothing will rise or fall on account of you.

Breathe deep and go back to sleep.

My spirit left watching the horizon, certain the Son is rising. He is the one who does the work, we are the ones who surrender our hands our hearts to HIS restoring work.

 

Thankful this morning:

708) For opportunity to join in His redeeming this old world…but not to be in charge of it

709) Grace. Learning to wear it. To walk in it.

710) Quiet family weekend

711) Gods provision even in tragedy. Praying for you Pines friends. And if you want to help with the restoration you can donate here.

Join others watching the horizon at A Holy Experience, the ordinary days for signs of the ways He is with us…

Unfurled

Posted on by
1

By the time he told me the story it was twenty years deep in hyperbole.

I didn’t know what parts were true or where the spool began but I didn’t mind.

Stood back, watched the sum of it unroll and pool on the ground.

He breathed it as a prayer. He stumbled a little, held tight his brown paper bag. His eyes full tears.

“Your family. It it is picture perfect”.

I grasped at the string, looking for a way to knit it into a blanket, wrap him in it.
Weave a magic carpet to take him back in time.

I held my own spindle tight, wishing the pointed end hadn’t found a way to prick him.

Tilt-A-Whirl

Posted on by
3

“I got a new girlfriend mommy” and I give you a high-five, because that is what one does in the face of jubilation. And also? I know you have no idea what that means, but I ask anyways.
You respond simply “A new friend. That is also a girl”. Well alright then.

Your sister yelled from her bed at you tonight “I LOVE YOU O, SEE YOU IN THE MORNING” and you responded “I LOVE YOU MORE THAN THE MOON”. And I lay back and I rested in the quiet moment of bliss. The way you used words today like lovely, delightful, divine (to describe cottage cheese no less). Something about these slower days makes my heart beat faster. It is the two of you I’m sure.

And there is E. The way she asks  for the whole of me. Sometimes she just grabs my face and demands the entirety of my gaze, locks me there with hazel super powers. She needs different things than you, so sometimes with your independent ways, hold up in your room, with five cars and a police badge, I forget you for a moment. E will not be forgotten, she sparks to light us up, stokes us to keep us brightly blazing. Anything to make us laugh, make us hold her. You brighten up too. I see you, how you smile when she jokes, when she dances. You told her she was the best girl in the whole earth this week. I think you are right you know. I hope you never forget.

I’ve been spinning like a top even though the whirl has stopped, and it makes me realize that something is not quite right with the axis on which my whole world has been tilting. I am a week into the quiet which is summer for me at the ranch and I am still finding a way to whirlwind past most everything and get nothing done. This is the summer I am to write my first novel. To organize my life. To finally clean my windows (and…well…everything else).

But I gotta tell you. Today I think I realized I just really want to bounce with you on the trampoline. To take the dog for a hike. To read books with the two of you on the deck. To build a dam in a creek. Pick saskatoon and huckleberries. Stare at you…try and magically keep you five and three for the rest of my days.

Yes. That sounds like more than enough.

Country Chronicles: Story of Now

Posted on by
3

It is the feel of her beach hair, wind  blown and natty. It is his chocolate-brown eyes glowing with the passion of new discovery. It is the laughter that trails behind them as the grasp each moment. It is the songs lilting from outside where they list each and every good thing. It is missing my man and keeping journals so that we can fill him in on all of these gloriously ordinary moments.

It is my heart matching rhythm with maker and all of it making more sense. It is joy in doldrums and passion in dormancy. It is the smell of wild roses and the sun setting through the daisies.  It is tiger lilies at dusk, lupins near everywhere. It is doing battle with the weeds and baking cookies on the day the wind blows and thunder cracks. It is piles of books and to do lists and a marvelous list of 100 things to do this summer. It is finding our own quirky style and learning that all of us can handle near anything if we have long lazy mornings.

It is business meetings on my deck (through the computer) and it is water play. It is popcorn for dinner and breakfast for lunch. It is the thought process each night about how long in the sprinkler might equate to a bath. It is the first harvest from the garden and books on the deck at night.

It is good. We miss you J…but also? We are ok.

Tell me…what was your story today?

 

one thing tuesday (on wednesday): summer reading

Posted on by
4

Every summer I splurge. The best day of the year, might be, when the summer amazon parcel arrives. WAHOOOO. 

The fiction: Because summer TV is the worst…

The poetry: Because when the children are around and the husband is away is prime time for little bursts of beauty…

The dream chasing: Because it is time…

The Jesus chasing: Because it is all…

The family loving: Because I do…

 

Looking at this list I realize it might take me clear through to Christmas…oh well.

What are you reading this summer? Have you read anything on this list (should I remove any before I even start?!)

California Chronicles

Posted on by
10

The air is filled with the scent of the roses now and the grass is nearing one foot deep. The wildflowers have all crept out and all of it, this whole place, the deepest green. Words are growing up in me again too and it feels so good.

This last week we ‘road tripped’. Our little family held tight each moment, recognizing that these bliss filled days need to be cherished.

It has been a hard month, this June. None of the weight of it has been mine exactly, but somehow, I’ve managed to pick it up and carry it around. I am really good at that…I think it is the leading cause of my ‘introvertism’. Being with others means that I pack around their problems, strap them onto my shoulders, take them home with me, find a way to blame myself.

I know.

It is something I need to work on. My wise friend says the body of Christ must function like a mosh pit. We hold up the body surfers, the wounded. We share the load, but none of us can bear it alone, we will crumble under it. So, keep passing. Take back the weight when others start to slouch. Keep it evenly distributed.

But the weight, when it falls on us, doesn’t it remind us not to take a single thing about this life for granted? Doesn’t it make you think that nothing about that blessing you are living is guaranteed? Not even that breath you are breathing? None of it is permanent. We must hold it close enough to notice its beauty, loose enough to let it breath, let it grow.

I am feeling strong again…ready to step back into the pit. Summer…here we go again.

Thanking Him for our blessings, the rest, this past week…

698) Wild flowers on the I-5

699) Kids that didn’t fight, not once, all vacation. I know. I am counting it, many times, a blessing!!!

First night…Lake Chelan

700) Her face…meeting those princesses…

701) His face…in his version of the happiest place on earth

Shasta Lake

702) These three…this moment. No words.

703) Sunset dinners

704) Falling in love

705) Seeing new things

706) A pod of dolphins up for a visit

707) Dancing on the pier.

And many other moments to cherish.

Country Chronicles: My thumb might not be green

Posted on by
1

Lots of news at the ranch these days. Want an update?

Sprummer 2012 isn’t all I cracked it up to be. It has rained like crazy, it has been so wet. Like sometimes I think we should start building a boat of some sort.  And then June 9? Four days after I planted out all my garden seedlings the kids and I had started, it snowed. A fair bit. I nearly cried.

Some things survived I think. Red cabbage is hardy. Peas just don’t quit. Onions popped. Strawberries might bring a crop of 5-10 (individual berries not kilos).

I don’t know if I can take all the blame for all of our gorgeous seedlings meeting a fatal end. Who can expect snow on June 9? Certainly not me. In any event there was also a happy discovery. A gorgeous, huge rhubarb patch up in the woods. Looks like someone else tried to garden sometime in history? Perhaps I will start a rhubarb farm. It might be the only thing hardy enough to live here. We’ve been loving strawberry rhubarb pies, compote and Darlas delish muffins.

Today I replanted most everything. tomatoes, carrots, squash, eggplant, beans, peppers, zucchini, basil, pumpkins, cucumbers, cilantro, sunflowers. Here is hoping it doesn’t all rot or get washed away in the torrential rain fall. In other garden news, using hay in your lasagna garden when you are in the midst of a very damp spring might not be the best choice. It sort of looks like I might have an alfalfa crop to end all others. Boo…

In other ranch news: Ferogie moved out and Jordan moved in. We miss Fergs, but not as much as we would have before we realized he doesn’t finish book trilogies he starts (PS I took them back if you are looking ;-). The kids are still naming Jordan. We look forward to E’s nickname for him…though I doubt it will be as catchy as the others as she named them when she was just two. Now that she is nearly four she doesn’t say nearly as many hilarious things.

Yesterday we took a lion and a princess to the car show downtown. It was awesome and I will cry the day they are too cool to do what they think is fun and rad.

Today we had a family chocolate fondue after school. I think the kids may have liked that.

There is still an adorable constable about this week. Sam makes a fine companion.

I have no idea where they learned this behaviour from…

My husband is really good at gift giving. I turned old this weekend and he bought me this awesome and perfect for w-ring addition to the deck (and yes we know we can’t leave it this close to the roof). I bought him underwear and tshirts (gift giving is not my forte…or love language).

I won a CD this week. Thinking about this song from it for many hurting friends of mine…

Tomorrow is ONE THING TUESDAY! Think about something that makes you feel ALIVE, BLESSED, JOY Filled? Come back and tell me?

The Here, The Now and The Not for A While

Posted on by
3

Image

I’ve seen a lot of Death. I’ve held her hand, ran my fingers over her forehead; I’ve put my arm around those getting left on earth whilst the other in the room gets to shake flesh back into dust. For some reason I can always tell when Death enters the room and I know when she is a few days out.

But. Knowing her, sensing her, doesn’t make me any better at releasing the displaced persons who have made their way back to Free. Those that get to flee this place, so often full of ragged and broken. Those that return to Maker and find rest at last.

Us aliens? We set up refugee camps. We do the best we can to bring our little bit of Home here. We endure the occasional enemy attack. But most days we do our best to take care of each other. To carry burdens for each other when they need some help. To bring a taste of the Land of the Free, to the land of the oppressed. It doesn’t always feel like that though. Most of the time we are so surrounded by beauty we forget to notice. We pick wild flowers, we laugh with friends, we hold on tight to each other.

And we remember. Some day we will also journey home. It will be a marvelous reunion. Till then? We remember to press into the One Heart who makes us truly home. We quell our restlessness in Him.

Inspired by my extraordinary friend Michelle and other Aliens writing on this subject at:

and