August.

Where have you gone and how did you go and can’t you come back for just a few more days? Something about this summer feels incomplete and rushed. Like somehow I missed a bit of something. I don’t know how it happened. What with all my planning and intention to be slow and quiet somehow I still rushed and blustered. So today, slowing before the rush of a crazy fall to ask the big question….what was it I learned this fast and furious month?

I learned I do jazz hands and open my mouth as one at the dentist every ding, dang time someone points a camera at me. I don’t know how it started but now I just cannot stop.

I learned how much I respect people who bite their tongues sometimes. Who might know the best answer, might have the better story, might be related to the subject but don’t feel the need to dominate and dictate. I like the quiet and the wise. The ones who tell their stories with their lives and affections not with the wagging tongues turning ships on their sides.

I learned the only garden I can grow is the kind that grows all alone. A garden that keeps growing when the sprinkler timers go out and when I don’t notice for a week. The hip kids call this planting native plants I think? Or experiments in survival of the fittest? Either way, the russian sage is doing well. Otherwise? Um…lets talk about something else…

I learned the most important lesson about living in the woods is that one must be perpetually on guard to ‘things’ moving into your house. A marmot made his home in the engine compartment of the plow truck. Something scratchy was in our drain pipe last night. The battle is on. My husband says he is really ‘manning up’. Me too I guess. I killed more wasps this summer than anyone else ever. They stung my kids ok? Wasp – apocalypse is what happens then.

I learned I love the words of Christian Wiman and got stung by another great work by O’Connor.

I learned some people are even better in real life than they are online. I learned that community is big and expansive and ‘your people’ exist. Find them. I learned that my life is big enough to share and that inviting people in can be very rewarding. I learned it is ok to take space too…that sometimes NO is the only appropriate response.

I learned my husband can parent solo near flawlessly…much better than I can. Ten days and nobody even blinked. Everyone was combed and clean and fed…not only that they went to mountain retreats for treasure hunts and found water slides and the worlds biggest truck and “MOMMY YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN…”. I learned I am recklessly blessed by a man that encourages me to open every door and holds it open for me to walk right on out sometimes.

I learned some things  I can’t unlearn. I walked the night markets of Bangkok and found I could buy near anything, save the redemption of the world. I got all righteous and angry and then I met her eyes, the huge brown ones that have not yet seen 15 years.  I met her eyes and I wiped the smugness off my face and I gazed at her with the adoration of Christ. I wondered what we could change to keep more little girls singing in mirrors with their hair brushes instead of on stages with men making plans for them…

I learned I might not be able to change the world, but I can do the next tiny thing ahead of me with great love. But I learned I can’t even do that without extravagant amounts of grace.

I learned that my patience is short, and even the next tiny thing (like a bedtime without drama) might be too much for me. I learned I am immature sometimes and I still feel that repulsive need to prove myself to you. That compulsion to defend and insulate from your critique. Even if I know the axe you grind is your own insecurity, I will still need to claw my way out. Barf.

I learned one cannot take ten days off from half marathon training and expect to feel good upon return. Especially after eating curry for breakfast for 7 days… Lets just say Saturdays plans feel a bit grandiose.

So that is August for me….What did you learn this fine last month of summer??? Linking with Emily & Leigh about what I learned and what I am into…

2012 was a good year for us. It began with our feet on an island in the middle of the Nile in Uganda,

it will end with those same friends on our own Canadian soil. In between we learned, we grew and adventured more than our fair share.

Some of us learned all the sounds that a vowel can make and our little girl softened around the edges, gained some logic and burned off her three-year old rage. Our church launched a church service, my work launched a research study.

Here are some other 2012 Feddersen stats:

In between I wrote it out here. Some of the favorite posts of the year are here:

More people than ever before or since joined us on our journey with World Vision to Kenya.

People seemed to really get excited when I am excessively open and write letters on marriage, mothering, or being a teenager.

A modified Mother Theresa quote

And the most read post of the year, was the only one ever pinned to Pinterest including a printable I made. It is sort of unfortunate on account as it isn’t my favorite writing. Ah well.

I really appreciate you who spend your precious time with me here. Look forward to getting to know you this coming year. Leave a comment, let me know you stopped by? What was the highlight of your 2012?

Flip.
I love to be with you. I love to talk with you, to pray with you, to sit beside fires with you, to go on adventures. I love to work with you and serve with you and go out on the town with you. Make no mistake. I LOVE to be with you.

ALSO.
Being with people too much makes me so tired I feel like I might die.

People are often astonished to learn that I am an introvert, because I can really work a room. I can meet and greet with the best of ’em.  I think of myself as a conflicted introvert. That means I get myself into exhaustion trouble a lot because I don’t make space for recovery time. Because I would rather be with you than miss out on fun. You see my dilemma? Complicating things further is the fact that my husband is “king of all extroverts”. He gets energy from you and after a party he is so wired he can’t sleep for hours and I can barely make it home conscious. From what I have been able to learn so far about myself is that for every hour of socializing I need at least two staring at a book, the tv, my journal, or a wall. If I don’t get that I turn into a dreadfully unpleasant person. It is like clock work.

I was very surprised to learn that 57% of people who access my blog from facebook are under 35. Surprised because I mostly write about being a wife, mamma and other grown up things. But anyways…now that I know you are here…please take this quiz, read this book, or this book. I lived huge chunks of my life living oppositional to my nature and it cost me big. I want you to know what you need to thrive, and it is going to look different from everyone else..maybe even your future spouse.

Is your lifestyle draining all your energy or giving you life? I really hope you find out before your thirtieth birthday.

So anyways…all this to tell you…I will not be answering the phone tomorrow. Not once. I will be in my garden picking winter squash. I will be in the forest listening to wind whistle. E and I might hit the books really hard…beautiful ones. We will likely paint and I might just stare at a wall.

Also? I can’t wait to see you this weekend.