one thing tuesday: shadowlands

Posted on June 11, 2012 by melissafed

When the world seems dark and heavy and you feel yourself start to bend under the weight of it, you must find your way out. You were never meant to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders and the truth of it is that you will start to warp.

I am sad this week. And while I know that we are meant to mourn with the mourners, we also should not mourn as those without hope. And so how do we return our hearts to being those filled with hope?

By becoming light to this horrifically dark world. By looking for fingerprints of the gift giver. By growing in our faith to see that there can be FRUIT in EVERY season as we plant ourselves on HIM. That by Him alone are we able to grow in the dark that we learn new lessons in difficulty, in pain. We look for the blessings even in the burden. Trusting Him to work all things for the good.

Today I am looking for the light in the dark. Listening intently for birds singing. Watching for Glory in the mundane and everyday. My son too. He came running to me at bedtime tonight and said “Oh mommy we are so BLESSED” and I said “Yes honey, we are, tell me what made you say that right now?”. And he said “Oh mommy we get to live on Sun Valley Rd. and it is SO SUNNY today”. Yes baby it was.

How about you? As you set off into Tuesday, will you join us? Think about what you see today that makes you pause to observe the splendor. What, this day, lets you know that there is hope for the hopeless? Strength for the weak? Healing for the broken?
Come back. Tell me. I want to know.

Fire and Frost

Posted on June 7, 2012 by melissafed

It is ice-cold and frost covered this morning and I feel like I could lay down in that grass and not even cause a melt; feeling so melancholy, so completely quenched of fire. I am sharper, I mock more, I am ready to explode for all the pressure I feel to hop a plane and in my life restlessness and sin always hold hands.

I’m burden heavy, a little busy, a little tired. I’ve been waiting for the days that I could just pause, in quiet and worship and find the way back to the burning hot.

But.

Those moments are far and few between in a mamma life. The sweet moments of sitting long with only words and pen don’t happen with little people, it is rare to complete a thought, hard to even articulate what it would mean if I could read a whole chapter, utter a complete prayer. And yet, Jesus chasers all over the planet, carting water, finding food, those who can’t read a word, are still finding Him.

And suddenly with Psalm 1 on my heart, worship songs ringing in my ears, the laundry pile becomes my church. We must learn how to make each moment our prayer closets, our classrooms our altars, our work sites our places of worship. Perpetually returning our hearts to our Maker, watching them for the signs they are returning home to the wrong places. Returning our moments to the Redeemer, watching for signs that we’ve allowed them to be stolen and destroyed. And when restless rears its head we remember that in actual fact we are restless not for another place on earth, another story here and now, but restless till we find our One True Rest.

Great are you, O Lord, and exceedingly worthy of praise; your power is immense, and your wisdom beyond reckoning. And so we men, who are a due part of your creation, long to praise you – we also carry our mortality about with us, carry the evidence of our sin and with it the proof that you thwart the proud. You arouse us so that praising you may bring us joy, because you have made us and drawn us to yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.-St Augustine

(this post very much inspired by this much more articulate and wise writer…and on advice from a white-hot friend am praying the psalms this month…)

one thing tuesday

Posted on June 3, 2012 by melissafed

If you know me at all, you know that I tend towards the sarcastic persuasion.

More often than not, I think drama is hilarious.

I can’t stand romantic comedy. Or romantic movies much at all for that matter.

Unless they involve a super hero.

Or at the very least, are spun into a fairy tale

I don’t trust people who smile too big (or too often).

I think most things are cheesy.
I have trouble with things like titles. Being a pastor’s wife for example. It makes me wear skulls and crossbones and want to swear (Sorry. I know. We’ve been expecting the pink slip for a long time now).

Anyways. All that to tell you I need to manage my thought life.

My kids? They always think things are marvelous. Today they went horse back riding for the very first time. Their little faces nearly glowed. O giggled the ENTIRE time. They felt the glory laden in each moment. They marveled at the experience. They hold the memories fast and dear. They tell everyone they see.

I want that again.

I want to dive into each day as a beauty seeker, not a fault finder. I want to see the best in my brothers and sisters. I want to draw it from them. I want to be the type of person that inspires. Not the type who thwarts.

Being 30 something has been good for that. The way I care much less if you think I am cool or not. The way I readily admit the things I love now, the things I thought made me lame a few years ago. The way I feel secure in this skin. The way I KNOW that I am not all that I once thought I was…and that is GOOD.

Five years ago when I started blogging, I was in the early stages of this mom journey. My babes were young and I was home. A lot. Some days the walls closed in. Some days my world shrunk to the island of the one little person who was never sleeping and eating constantly. Most days it was wondrous. Some days in was wondrously difficult.

The concept of ‘one thing blog’ was born out of this feeling. How do I keep my mind fixed on the good, the wonderful, the beautiful? How do I fix my eyes on the eternal matters of this dreadfully “physical” stage of life? So I started to blog, ‘one thing’ each day that inspired me. As my world got bigger again, this blog grew as well but I miss the mental exercise of actively seeking the most beautiful gift or treasure in each day.

So sometimes, on Tuesdays I will be heading back to ‘my roots’. Join me? Open you eyes today and notice something that inspires, calms, breathes meaning into this day. Come back and share it in the comments won’t you?

OR if you blog…I got myself a button…you can grab it and join me? What was something that made you think thoughts greater than yourself? What made you stop for just a moment and think of the Gift Giver?

I would love to hear. Maybe…it will cause more of us to pause in wonder?

Eyes peeled for WONDER,

Meliss

Searchin this ol’ heart…

Video

My words feel few and far between these days. But tonight? Lights down and heart quiet…I NEEDED this. Maybe you do too?

What, when the world fades and you find yourself quiet, does your heart seek? I want to answer quick “HIS GLORY” but I am not sure that is truth. And when that truth becomes less than central, minds and hearts play tricks. So tonight, just this…

How to grow real fruit…

Posted on May 17, 2012 by melissafed

Weeds will find their way to develop roots in the least likely of places. They tend to pop up exactly where you think the ground cover is best, or between bits of cement that nearly seal. They find a way to propagate and expand even in the arid, and the space with no goodness. Especially in the space with no goodness. Especially in soil that is not busy growing something. Especially when you think you got that particular weed licked.

There are some deep weeds in my garden this spring. These weeds are sharp, and they have thick roots that pull up all sorts of dirt when they come up. I am forced to pull hard, to dig deep to get them out. Sometimes I only get the top off, and I know it will come back bigger and stronger, and its leaves will help it to spread. Left unchecked they will choke out everything else. Left unchecked they will take over. My soul is struggling with the same thing.

In seasons when cultivation is neglected the weeds choke out. The plants stagnate. The bottoms of the tomatoes rot. The pumpkins only flower…I learned last year when I over planted, when there was just too much going on, that the soil could produce nothing that provided sustenance to another…no real fruit.

For me soul cultivation means I must slow at this table. I must indulge in the sometimes painful act of scrawling words to explore the depths. It is my souls tiller. It helps to pull at the roots of my choking pride. That which is buried deep and all tangled around what seem like good intentions. It helps me to notice, the sharpness of the leaves of unlove, the thorns that poke those around me as they dare to stand close. The yellowed flowers of impatience and selfishness, they stain. There is dirt under my nails, as I tend the soil and rough it up a bit, mix the dead bits in with the growing, use the nutrients of my own death to grow something that looks like fruits of His Spirit.

Visit others soul farmers here:

Mothers Day

Posted on May 13, 2012 by melissafed

The earthquakes….

Dear O & E,

You are the twin earthquakes that shook my world to the core. The whole axis is bent and time has shifted. The days are so much longer now, while the years grow shorter. One minute I am trying to speed things a long because somehow its taken eight hours between dinner and bedtime, strange thing is, the very next moment I find myself, eyes locked on you, longing for time to STOP. HERE. NOW. Nowhere else.

You altered time and space for me sweet babies. I’m fused to you with a cosmic bond and with all the strength of gravity. Thanks for showing me which way is up and reminding me how very good the One who made it all is.

Love always,

Mommy

Thankful this sweet mothers day:

689) Loved ones the deck

690) Overhearing “E, its mothers day, please don’t mess that up for mommy”

691) My sweet mommy.

692) My dear mother in law.

693) A gorgeous, restful week off.

694) SUNSHINE

695) That boy

696) That girl

697) The thought today as I was frustrated with 695 and 696 and thought to myself “Wow this is the life” then suddenly overwhelmingly “YES. THIS is the life.

Five Minute Friday: Identity

Posted on May 11, 2012 by melissafed

Join us in a five minute free write won’t you? Prompt is “Identity”…

I am the thick blood of a Scot, with my freckled skin, my stubborn nature. I am the fair hair of a Swed; the hardiness of Canada.

I come from a place of hard work, of uncomplicated love, of sacrifice and devotion. I come from small town and gravel road and meadowlark.

I am all dichotomy, ripe with contradictions. I am the gray matter of every argument; the space between your black and his white. I can always see the middle. I am a text-book gemini who doesn’t believe in astrology. I apologize a lot. I don’t expect much from you. I expect a lot from myself.

I am a recovering perfectionist, a conflicted introvert, a prayer warrior who forgets to pray some days.

I am nurse, and I am mommy and I am becoming wife. I am a story-teller and a Jesus chaser and a theology-phob.

I am at peace, midnight underwater and in the quiet of water lapping the shore.

I am found in the wildness of forest and its stillness at dusk.

I am recovered in the pages of scripture, the fine words of scholars, the stories I weave.

I bask in moon beams on my pillow, the glow of my children, the light of my good man; three extraordinary reflections of Creative God.

I love Eddie Vedder and super hero films and I would rather sit by a fire with two friends that be at a party with 20. I love music and dancing and poetry that is raw. I love wind in my hair when travelling too fast, coffee in a paper cup, blank pages and black ink.

I like people who love good food and a good laugh the most. I make my best attempt at authenticity but hate when I use that as an excuse to not pursue rightousness…goodness…purity. Being real is not an excuse to be mediocre.

I believe that I am created with purpose and destiny and I believe dross will fall and I will stand in the identity He formed; identity redeemed.

Country Chronicles: Lasagna Gardening (aka too lazy to double dig)

Posted on May 9, 2012 by melissafed

Feddersen Garden 2012

Oh what a magnificent ‘pause’ I am having. Naps. Baking. Gardening. This week wins (save a trip to the dentist for my very first filling of my life…worst). All the fun projects we dreamed about all this long cold winter also got started over the last week. Joel flattened my garden area and I got to work digging the soil. I spent a solid 12 hours picking rocks and turning over the soil and do you know what I found? More hard soil, more massive rocks. So to honour the lazy gardener that I am I remembered what I heard on the radio about “lasagna gardening” or layer composting. Apparently you can start your garden anywhere, while skipping the double dig. This method is thought to be better at reducing weeds and water use as well. It made sense to me (plus I could stop picking the ginormous rocks).

Newspaper layer

First you select where you want your bed then just go ahead put on a three layers of soaked newspaper. This will apparently draw the needed earthworms to your patch. Next you toss on a layer of peat moss.

Peat Moss

Next a layer of hay. (Abin? I might need to steal your saw table…).

Hay layer

Next a layer of bark mulch.

Bark Mulch

Then repeat. If you are doing this in the fall (which is preferred) then you can just leave until planting. If you are doing now (like me) then you will need to also add a solid four inches of good soil on the top. I want to get this bed ready as soon as possible as I want to plant some early crops now (peas, lettuce, spinach). I think this method will be expensive this year as I am needing to buy most of the layers, in the future you can just use whatever you have around the house alternating between brown (shredded paper, fall leaves, hay) and green layers (raw compost, grass clippings, trimmings from plants). The top photo is the layout for our garden this year! Click the image if you want to create your own garden or want to read more about my planting plan. If you want to read more about this method you can read this or watch this. I will let you know how things grow! I have a feeling that the ‘above ground’ veggies will do great, while things like carrots won’t enjoy having to try to navigate down through my rocky ground.

Also at our house this week? BIG excavation! We’ve had a lot of work done on our switchbacks. While it wasn’t the miracle that Joel and I had sort of hopped for (you know, like suddenly our driveway was 10 feet long and flat?) I think it will help. The grade is reduced a little and now all of the corners are flat (you are not climbing steep grades whilst still turning a corner). We have gravel coming in too and hope things will be much better by next winter!

Hey gardeners out there…what do you think? Do you think I will get a crop with this method? Love to hear any tips you have!!!

Pause

Posted on May 7, 2012 by melissafed

Emily got in trouble once too much this weekend, she stomped away and shouted,

“I just can’t do dis, I QUIT”

I know only one place she could hear that from. Me. I am a quitter. When the going gets tough, I assume God isn’t in it. I assume, we’ve lost our way. I want to start again.

I think God is teaching me something else. Twice last week, I came across the same message in twenty-four hours. And none of it was about quitting.

Elijah had a heavy call from God. But he was feeling EXHAUSTED. Despite the fact that he had seen God move in AMAZING ways. Despite the fact that he KNEW he was in the centre of Gods will still he said “I have had ENOUGH Lord. Take my life”. So he lays down…ready to die. Instead? He RESTS. He goes to sleep. He is exhausted. Nothing spiritual about it. Did God yell at him? Tell him not to take his call lightly? Tell him to get back on the field? NO. God sent an angel to bring him food and drink. He rested. He ate. And when he got up? He had energy to walk…40 days. And there? He experienced the PRESENCE of God. (1 Kings 19).

That. There. All I want. The gentle breeze of His presence passing by. His whisper.

And am so thankful for these quiet moments of REST. A week…of nothing…

682) A girls weekend COMPLETE. Thank you to new and old friends who sparkle with His wisdom and joy…I think? We done good.

683)Does anything make you feel stronger, quieter, more humble than picking weeds in the sun? The perfect resolution to a busy weekend.

684) Walking in the woods.

685) So many fun projects (a forest chapel, a flattened garden area, a parking lot and the DRIVEWAY redo). Hurray! Pictures later this week? Till then? Construction ZONE!

686) Thankful for all the help with the kids this weekend! Thank you Michelle, Kaylah, Jerry, Matt, Ash-a-lee, Mamma Fed, Ferg. I promise I am not leaving the house for a long, long time (used up all my babysitters in two days!). So thankful that in this season of busy our kids are still so very well-loved. We know that the blessing of community and family we have is not to be taken for granted.

687) The police officer around these days. So fun.

688) Picnic on the deck with my wee lass this morning. The perfect way to start this week.

And so after a season of MUCH, I begin a season of quiet rest. Knowing that, even though it was A LOT, it was also HIS. That being tired, isn’t a call to quit. It is a call to REST, RENEW, SEEK.

When the World Spins Too Fast

Posted on April 29, 2012 by melissafed

Some weeks? You just need to put your head down and ‘git er done’. I am in one of those. Finishing work for the term (reports, planning, etc), planning a large girls conference next weekend and also trying to finish one other important project.

Everything that has been just loosely held together this year is starting to disintegrate.

But. In reality? It isn’t. I am just a wee bit overwhelmed and when that happens the lens through which I see the world gets so very corrupted.

So today? Just this:

“Wilkie said, “Sit down right here at this table, here is a yellow pad and here is a ballpoint pen. I want you to write down your blessings” I said, “Wilkie, I don’t want to talk about that, I’m telling you that I am going crazy.” He said, “First, write down that I said write it down and think of the millions fo people all over the world who cannot hear a choir, or a symphony, or their own babies crying. Write down, I can hear- Thank God. Then write down that you can see this yellow pad, and think of the millions of people around the world who cannot see a waterfall, or flowers blooming, or their lovers’ face. Write, I can see – Thank God. Then write down that you can read. Think of the millions of people around the world who cannot read the news of the day or a letter from home, a stop sign on a busy street, or…”. I followed Wilkie’s orders and when I reached the last line on the first page of the yellow pad, the agent of madness was routed….”

– Maya Angelou (Letters to My Daughter)

And so, despite the fact that I should be working instead of blogging? Here I sit reminding myself of all the small and perfect gifts that remind me that the world is in fact not unfurling. It is just spinning a little fast and I am the only one who can choose to slow it down…

Thankful for quiet moments and tiny gifts

670) Sunshine

671) Walks with the littles.