One More Marriage Letter: On Patience

Posted on February 16, 2012 by melissafed

Participating in a letter writing challenge at “the Run A Muck”…encouraging others about marriage. It ain’t easy. This week for the challenge I wanted you to know, that we know, how hard marriage can be, that there is seasons. If you are in a dry one now? You just might come through the other side. This week? Writing on patience…

Dear Joel,

Patience isn’t my strong suit is it? I am prone to bluster and slam when I get overwhelmed. And you. There are few things you love less that errands. Especially while you wait to go shopping for pirate ships (this really happened…just yesterday) and I insist on car washes and hair cuts. We have never been two of a kind.

These children of ours, push me way beyond and over myself and I fall off the edge of the 1 Corinthian 13 love. It is easy to believe that verse when you don’t have to look at yourself in your spouses eyes after you quote it, reminded that you are not all that you once thought you were cracked up to be. Love is patient? And I know for the 1000 time that I still have so much to learn about love.

I am expectant of perfection in the here and today, and it turns out? Life isn’t. I wasted years of our marriage waiting for us to find it. I expected this thing to be a certain way. It isn’t.

You say ‘it is, what it is’ and you turn broken to beautiful over and over. And turns out? That is so much better.

Over and over, in all the paths of life, we learn the hard days make the easy ones sweetest. How the best things in life cost the most, and that is true in relationship, in education, in ministry, in parenting, in Jesus chasing and letting the dross get refined. All of it. Escaping to soon means that you didn’t make it to the sun rise comin’.

We learn what is important too, and what romance really is. I remember how that one time, I was 18 years old and had gone to the movies with a bunch of friends. As we are sometimes prone to, I went with the girls to a romantic era film (Emma perhaps?), I returned all weepy eyed and weak in the knees and you picked me up and carried me to my front door kissed me on the forehead and turned and left. As romantic as that was, we both know that it the simplicity of the everyday that sparks more than anything like that. I’ve never loved you more than when you let me make mad messes in the kitchen, which you clean without comment. That is love.

I don’t want our marriage to be complicated. Life is hard its true.

You are my team. Thats it.

I know people who put all sorts of pressure on each other, they tie weight onto each word and onto their spouses foot. It makes them sink. They try to make their marriage a perfect model; make the family present well. Lets never go there ok? Perfect fails. And you won’t find anything like that around here. Lets be perfect only in our pursuit of selfless…others can keep their posed photos and coordinated outfits (though…does blogging marriage mean I am trying to create illusion? I hope not. I catch the irony though).

Patience. It has cost plenty to bring us here hasn’t it? I don’t think we are done learning it yet.

But.

There is no one else on earth I would want to learn it for.

Yours.

Meliss

PS….We will miss you this weekend. We are praying for you and waiting patiently…dreadfully proud to be yours.

Also linking with:

Country Chronicles: Perspective.

Posted on February 9, 2012 by melissafed

The valley has been deep in fog these days. Every tree and leaf is edged in hoarfrost. The fog so dense it feels like it is following you. It is oppressive, heavy, creepy and sensationally beautiful.

And in one sense, it also isn’t real.

If you drive up the road just five minutes in any direction from valley bottom you will find blue skies, no clouds. The fog distorts, tricks, lies. Sometimes you just can’t trust your own perception. Sometimes it isn’t the truth. From our home the skies have been clear and blue and we have been sitting atop a marshmallow stuffed tightly into the lake bottom.

Yes I am sorry to tell you Kelowna, the skies have been blue for days. Clear. Not a cloud.

I’ve been tricked this week too though. I’ve been fooled in the dark of night. Though the sky is clear, and the moon reflects blue; still I find myself watching the shadows. Though I have walked every inch of this place this winter and not seen a foot print of any beast, still I watch the shadows for one to come and devour. That is what happens to my focus then fear starts to invade it.

(some day I will learn to take photos of the moon)

This girl of mine? The one that growls sometimes? The one who has a temper that explodes? She is scaring me. She makes me nervous. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, raising a daughter might be the scariest thing I have ever done.I am terrified that I will go all Tina Fey on her when she turns 13. I will say “heels are really uncomfortable, and other things women say to each other”; clumsy, awkward, keeping communication rolling isn’t my strong suit. I am not good at asking questions. So when my eyes peel open at 2 am and all I can think is all the ways I will go wrong. All the things she will need to walk though, all the pain she will face, my heart near stops.

There are two ways to live this journey and I have chosen to walk both at different stages. I have watched the shadows, waiting for something to come and get us. At times I have also chose TRUST the better path. A path where I look for the joy, the best, the blessing in each moment. I choose to look at each moment with this firecracker of a girl as glimpses of her power, her strength, her tenacity. I will choose to take the lid off the pressure cooker, to take each moment as it comes. To let her be, to find herself, to keep modeling gentleness despite the fact that at this moment she is (in her words) “EXTRA, EXTRA, TOUGH”.

How about you? Do you find yourself watching the shadows or basking in the sun’s light? Sometimes it is a matter of moving just a few feet to the left, the view might completely change.

When it wasn’t all Valentines and Love Letters: When Opposites Attract

Posted on February 6, 2012 by melissafed

Dear Joel,

I know you think it is weird. That quirk I have of reading obituaries almost every day. It started when I worked palliative care and I wanted to see if my patients had died or not. Now I can’t stop.

It isn’t the only weird thing you know about me. You know the weird ambitions I have, the cliché’ ones.

I like how you call me out on my fears now. You say “tell me…what do you really think is going to happen here?” I pause, and that feeling in my gut diminishes, usually there isn’t much reason in it.

I love, how we know when the other is going to laugh at something. Those quirky things that drive us nuts. Like how you glance at me sideways when someone says ‘just sayin’ you think I might go for the jugular. I don’t, but often my claws do show. Sometimes, when I am out with others, I look at them, waiting to laugh at our jokes. They don’t get it. I miss you then.

It wasn’t always like this. There were those few years, right around our seven-year mark where I got burnt out. It wasn’t you exactly. It was life in general. I thought about heading for the hills. I wanted to hide from the world in a cabin in the woods. I told you I was running away from home, that you could come with me if you wanted, but make no mistake; I was going. It was all a little much.

It was mostly the babies lost. We grieved those miscarriages differently. You dug in deeper with the kids we had been given already; Those in the youth group. I got angry with them, perhaps I blamed them for the loss. I thought maybe you were right; that God was calling us to have those kids alone. I blamed you too.

But. You were patient with me, all the same. You waited while I turned back into myself. It took forever.

You and me? Next time the ‘big uglies’ of life face us? I think, I know, we will do it better. I will know you need different things and that doesn’t mean you are any less distraught. We are different. One of us is not better.

I’m so happy I waited to head for the hills with you. That together and today is so much better than all our yesterdays. We will forever tell those who follow us down this crazy marriage path: There will be a phase where marriage seems harder than it is worth. It is a lie. You will come out the other side with a complexity and understanding of each other that wasn’t there before. You will laugh again. You will dream again. Fight for it friends it just takes time for the team to come together as one. Time and trial and a whole lotta prayer and understanding.

Thanks for sticking around J-Fed. I wasn’t my favorite person those years either.

But you? You are the only one I would ever want on my team. The only one I would fight to keep.

Yours.

Meliss

This weekend…

Posted on February 4, 2012 by melissafed

At this moment I am…

Listening to this:

(Great album fella’s! If you haven’t bought it yet? Find out where to get it here! DO IT! You won’t regret it)

Looking at this:

Nothing better than coffee in hand when sun gets to creeping over horizon...

Thinking on these quotes (from a mother’s letter to her child about her Jesus):

“Fight to love with a passion that is scandalous. Fight that need to compete. Fight the lies that tell you you’re less than what you are. Fight the pride that tells you you’re more than just enough.”

and this from a little later in the piece…

“Follow closely this changing figure, who slips in and out of view. When you think you catch hold of Him, and confident you speak his voice, look again that you’re not clutching a mirror.”

(emphasis mine…Just beautiful Tara…excited to read more from you!)

Buying books and ordering articles to start research for my masters thesis. I am hoping if I write it down here that I won’t chicken out… Start date fall 2013 when Emily starts school full-time.

Featured over here for the next few weeks.

Next? Pecan waffles with Maple Pear sauce and perhaps? Just one more cup of coffee.

LOVING lazy Saturday mornings with my little people tucked in tight beside me.

What about you? What are you loving this weekend morning???? Breathe it in deep and don’t rush away from it

Who makes you better?

Posted on February 2, 2012 by melissafed

My relationship with Mary began about 10 years ago. It was about 10:30 at night and we were the last two people left pricing items for a youth garage sale. Amongst all the boxes and dirty objects we were surrounded by, somehow I knew that I was on consecrated ground. The presence of the Lord felt so heavy that I felt like maybe I should take off my shoes. We told stories that night and we found we had much in common. The way we came to know the Lord, the way that we stumbled into the strange life of being the wife of a pastor (both of us sort of surprised by the idea). That night began one of the most influential relationships in my life. While my time actually spent with Mary wasn’t that extensive, every moment I did taught me something about Jesus chasing and I always felt a very deep kinship and affection for her. And these last few days I have seen clearly that my feelings for her, our relationship, was not unique.

Everyone that Mary encountered felt the same.

I’ve been asked to speak about Marys ministry to the youth of Willow Park Church and that could be a long conversation. I asked around to our team and there were certain themes that every person mentioned.

PRAYER

The first of those was prayer. We trusted Mary to stand in the gap for us. She understood that staking a claim and doing battle for the spiritual lives of kids is not to be taken lightly or unprotected. Mary formed armies around our youth group. We felt she helped us stand when our legs were weak.

Some of the most precious memories of Mary revolve around her prayer ministry. The way she always arrived the day before our conferences started and walked the perimeter and the building praying for the youth that would be attending. The way she was present for every session we held, the names of each registrant in her hand, prayed over. I remember walking the camp property with her, meeting all the people she brought along for the same purpose. She didn’t do this just occasionally. She did this every year.

Rachel Lindsay, our girls ministry director, mentioned how every time she saw Mary, she introduced her to someone else who was praying specifically for her needs. Sue Enns mentioned how even recently (three years after she left our staff) when she saw her she was still praying for her, wondering about her life, keeping track of where she was and what she needed. Each of us felt like we were known intimately, cared for immensely.

DEDICATION

The second thing that all of us noticed about Marys ministry was the way she managed to know not only all the details of our lives, but also all the dates of every event we held. I am the wife of the youth pastor and most of the time I cannot keep up with all the events but somehow Mary knew, exactly when we were departing for missions trips and would always arrive about an hour before we left. Sometimes she brought a verse for each student missionary. Sometimes she brought anointing oil that she sprinkled on the bus. She ensured she had the staff list for our camp, the names of every camper that was registered. She prayed for each of us all summer. Several times we would send messages about challenges we were facing and she would rally the troops, pray intensely for us. Her dedication to the ministry left us overwhelmed at times.

LOVE

Everyone who speaks about Mary, mentions the way she made you feel so very cared for. The way she made you feel like you were the only person in the room, that you might somehow be her very favorite person on earth. Mary who walked grace, talked Jesus chasing, touched gentle. She spoke with lips dripping blessing and each word built on the other and it built you up and you felt stronger in her presence.

The air shifted when she walked into the room and we all swayed closer to her. This was true of Mary in every context I saw her in. Teenagers, women, men, all of us; we were like plants drawn to the light, her radiant Jesus reflecting face.

LEGACY

I think one of the greatest things I learned from Mary is how Jesus can change your legacy. She told me once that she didn’t always pray like she did these last few years. That one January she asked God what he wanted for her and he said I want you to be a woman of prayer. That really stuck in my mind. It made me realize that at any point in our lives, Jesus can completely alter our legacies. That what we are known for now does not need to dictate what we will always be known for. That as we push into him, we see Him we can become new creations. This church, all of us, every time we described her, we claimed her as our own, our prayer warrior.

My ears always perked when she talked of how she hears and how she walks and how she listens and how she lives this life. This is how one walks redemption and lives love and I wanted to learn every lesson she could teach.

Satisfied? (and just in case you only read the title? GIVING CIRCLE is starting again!)

Posted on January 27, 2012 by melissafed

It is all ache and yearning. It is the thing that will let brain settle on nothing else. It is craving and emptiness and desire. It borders on obsession. You can think of little else.

Its like longing and lust and its nearly impossible to ignore.

Hunger. Thirst.

And those red letters in my bible tell me if I hunger and thirst it is good, that I will be satisfied. And that is backwards in the flesh, but His kingdom is often upside down, bowing lower to raise higher.

As I hunger I will be satisfied… Not with the things that flesh tries to fill itself with, but instead with the things that satisfy soul; peace, purity, mercy.

And thirst doesn’t go away, not really. It goes under ground sometimes but it always comes back.
And I want that kind of ache for righteousness. The kind that on some level I can’t quench, that always tells me there is room for more, because in this world? There will always be need for more…

Blessed are those who HUNGER AND THIRST for they are satisfied.

I want to hunger. I want to be famished for the right things.

A FEW NOTES?
GIVING CIRCLE is starting up again. Feeling so excited! Kelowna ladies will you join us? February 28,7pm. Location TBA. Interested in joining us ‘virtually’? Send me your email and I will send you the links to the issue we are studying that month!

Memorizing the Sermon on the Mount in 2012. Once a week I will wax poetic on something I am learning about it. This post is partially inspired by a great sermon by John Piper here.

Being Parents

Posted on January 23, 2012 by melissafed

Participating in a letter writing challenge at “the Run A Muck”…encouraging others about marriage in the stage of young children. It ain’t easy. This week the challenge is on the concept of ‘nightly routine’.

Dear Joel,

There is a whirl and sudden stop each night at our house. The children spin like tops from five until seven…tops with teeth and sharp nails. Tops that swirl right into our temples. You deal with it better. You let me hide in the kitchen and feign the need to make everything from scratch.

Sometimes its better, the children make a giant fort and invite the two of us inside. We make jokes that they can’t understand, steal a kiss, you try to remind me that I am not just someones mommy. I love hearing you tell stories to the boy, while I whisper with the girl. You talk about his day and I always learn something new. There is something about the way you listen that makes us all want to talk.

This night I am folding laundry and your gym socks are still red from the Kenyan soil. Again it reminds me how thankful I am for the life we are building together, for the ordinary and extraordinary moments that pull together to make up a life. It is amazing when you think about it isn’t it? We’ve been together nearly 20 years now, it seems absurd to say it. It can’t be possible. But then. There is this story we’ve got. I’m going to keep telling it till I die.

The nights you are out are different. The rhythm and goodness of this household rests squarely on your shoulders, it is always too much for me, but we get there eventually. Bedtime is my least favorite thing on earth. Ok. Perhaps I hate poverty and hunger more than bedtime…but not much. Still. I sure am thankful that you are my team as we try to capture the tops and turn them into bed. In fact? I’m glad you are on my team in everything we do. I’m so dreadfully thankful that all the ordinaries and extra-ordinaries have not spun us totally out of control, but instead have woven us deeper into One.

You are the best routine I ever fell into, the only one that ever stuck.

Yours.

Melissa

New Eyes

Posted on January 22, 2012 by melissafed

Its been nearly two weeks since our feet set back onto Canadian soil; Africa seems a bit like a jet lag induced dream sequence.

People keep asking me if the experience in Kenya was ‘life changing’. In all honesty I can answer no it wasn’t.

No. Life is the same. The dishes pile up. The children didn’t even last a week back to school before they were infected with the 7000th virus since September. There are bills to pay. The water pipes freeze. I’m dreadfully behind at work. The parking police finally caught up with me (I like to live on the edge).

Life is still life, replete with the daily grind and mediocrity that tends to overpower if we are not careful. If we allow our thinking to be ruled by only the immediacy of what is before us. If gratitude becomes less than our driving force when we are face down in front of gift giver. When worship becomes a Sunday activity as opposed to a way of life.

Despite all that, my eyes have changed. When my pipes freeze? I remember the 364 days of the year when the water is pumped from my very own well, into my hot water tank, and into my sink to run over my dirty dishes from making my kids too much food.

I am thankful not for the material though, more than ever I am convinced that it is often the material that blocks our God communion, our joy. Our experience with the extraordinary people we met through our trip with World Vision reminded us how little our bliss has to do with what is before us and how much it has to do with what is within us, what is beyond us. How setting my heart right, on the things unseen helps to make my eyes see clearer, truer. Makes Joy shine in the darkest of days, makes Hope rise in the most unexpected of places.

Thankful today for:

663) Treehouse picnics.

664) A story about Mangoes and Coconuts fighting aliens, falling in love, living on an island and having baby mango-nuts. By Owen and Emily Feddersen. The memories I hope to rock my chair to when I am old…

665) A beautiful read.

666) New journal day…delayed but always my delight.

667) “Big family snuggles”

668) A lovely ski yesterday. Thanks Suzy!

669) Lots of extra love from little people.

670) Girls night out

671) Too much work…but work that I love.

672) Beautiful, snowy days.

673) A long hot bath on a Sunday afternoon.

674) This man of mine…having spent our first month EVER completely together…How much I just plain LIKE him.

675) A first successful board game with both the kids

676) A slower week ahead…

Things I Never I Thought I Would Do: Worshiping With Maasai Warriors

Posted on January 11, 2012 by melissafed

I expected it to break under the weight. I was fully prepared for my back to sway and distort with the whole mass of Africa firmly planted on that point between my shoulder blades where burdens tend to congregate.

Miriam- Community Health Worker

It didn’t happen though. How could I justify a break when the people here speak of their hope? The woman who leads this support group for HIV positive people opens the meeting by saying, “Thank you friends for being so brave to come and share today with our friends from Canada. They have come to hear us so that they can tell more people your stories. These are some of the people who helped to pay for our program”. And all the Maasai turn to us and nod like we are the heroes and I gasp at the thought for I have never been more inspired by someones heroism.

Here under the acacia tree Miriam begins her story. How she was left alone in her bed, dying from the infection and from the misery of being abandoned by her community when World Vision came to her. They assisted her with accessing anti-retroviral medications. They trained her to be a community health worker and to reach out to other HIV positive people in her community. She says “And now each day, because God gives me one more to live, I know that I have a purpose, that we will help more and more people in our community”. This community with twice the infection rate of the rest of Kenya; more than 13 %.

Here we sing songs of praise in the tongue of the Maasai to a God who would give them opportunity to live another day because HE HAD A PURPOSE FOR THEM. I tried to clap as we sang but the tears rolling down my face made it hard to keep a rhythm. The smile on my face impossible to hide. And they cried THANK YOU FOR TAKING CARE OF US GOD. JESUS WE NEED YOU.

The stories are of new families formed in this support group. Of orphans given homes, of new friends sharing all they have. The stories are rich in bravery and grace. I am covered in flies; we all are and still I can’t think of looking away, of leaving. This tree? It’s on fire with the presence of a God who finds the sick and the broken and weaves us all back together into something that matters, something beautiful.

And beneath that tree when the stories are all told, when the prayers are said, when the songs cease, we eat together. I sit with my new friend who I can communicate with only through touch and through spirit. She holds tight to my hand after we eat and soon her son comes up and he translates for us.
“The people in this community will not eat our food. They think it is cursed. She wants you to know she would have had me kill one of the goats for you if she thought you would eat with her. She is very honoured and blessed that you shared this meal with us”

Those goats are life and livelihood to these people. I sip deeply on my tin cup, enjoy my tea mixed with goat’s milk and ginger and I know that this has given life to my dry bones too.

Do you want to be a part of this story too? Join us!

Learn about the communities we are visiting here. We will visit Garba Tulla (a new project just a year into development) as well as Masharu (a village that is 12 years into its World Vision development cycle).

You can follow our Flickr photo stream here.

Or sponsor a child from Garba Tulla here!

We will do our best to update this blog frequently as well! See all World Vision related posts here.