The valley has been deep in fog these days. Every tree and leaf is edged in hoarfrost. The fog so dense it feels like it is following you. It is oppressive, heavy, creepy and sensationally beautiful.
And in one sense, it also isn’t real.
If you drive up the road just five minutes in any direction from valley bottom you will find blue skies, no clouds. The fog distorts, tricks, lies. Sometimes you just can’t trust your own perception. Sometimes it isn’t the truth. From our home the skies have been clear and blue and we have been sitting atop a marshmallow stuffed tightly into the lake bottom.
Yes I am sorry to tell you Kelowna, the skies have been blue for days. Clear. Not a cloud.
I’ve been tricked this week too though. I’ve been fooled in the dark of night. Though the sky is clear, and the moon reflects blue; still I find myself watching the shadows. Though I have walked every inch of this place this winter and not seen a foot print of any beast, still I watch the shadows for one to come and devour. That is what happens to my focus then fear starts to invade it.
This girl of mine? The one that growls sometimes? The one who has a temper that explodes? She is scaring me. She makes me nervous. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, raising a daughter might be the scariest thing I have ever done.I am terrified that I will go all Tina Fey on her when she turns 13. I will say “heels are really uncomfortable, and other things women say to each other”; clumsy, awkward, keeping communication rolling isn’t my strong suit. I am not good at asking questions. So when my eyes peel open at 2 am and all I can think is all the ways I will go wrong. All the things she will need to walk though, all the pain she will face, my heart near stops.
There are two ways to live this journey and I have chosen to walk both at different stages. I have watched the shadows, waiting for something to come and get us. At times I have also chose TRUST the better path. A path where I look for the joy, the best, the blessing in each moment. I choose to look at each moment with this firecracker of a girl as glimpses of her power, her strength, her tenacity. I will choose to take the lid off the pressure cooker, to take each moment as it comes. To let her be, to find herself, to keep modeling gentleness despite the fact that at this moment she is (in her words) “EXTRA, EXTRA, TOUGH”.
How about you? Do you find yourself watching the shadows or basking in the sun’s light? Sometimes it is a matter of moving just a few feet to the left, the view might completely change.