Rose coloured glasses: Five Minutes on the prompt ‘Ordinary’

Posted on October 10, 2013 by melissafed

The crows had gathered this morning. Encircling that white tailed corpse on the road. Its throat ripped out by the speeding car. A murder of crows there, squawking from a sign, from the sky, from the belly of the doe. All I could think was, are they an omen for me?

Of course not. I don’t believe in such things.

And Yet.

Do you see that? The way her hair is glinting in the setting sun? They way their games almost glow in the purple? His face nearly sparkling? There despite the filthy window, did you notice the sun setting down in pinks and purple splendor? Despite your exhaustion and your frustration, can’t you see the holiness of this moment? The way we are all holding onto life and death with the same weak hands. The way our control of it all is so illusionary. The way, those old crows could be waiting for me just outside?

These ordinary moments are all we got friend. There is no purpose greater than the one you are walking now. No theology preached from any pulpit that doesn’t apply in this absolutely ordinary moment.

So you can call me an idealist if you want to. The way I always see the world as a great romance, but I don’t mind. Even if the pink in my eyes is really from this bone weary mamma season, I’ll pretend it is the reflection of this extraordinary sunset, lighting up their faces with all the splendor of creation. I will keep these rose-coloured glasses on all day long, recognizing that there is no such thing as ordinary. That this moment right now may be the Holiest thing I every touch.

A Mother Letter: On the Peace

Posted on October 8, 2013 by melissafed

Dear O,

When you asked for a pistol for you birthday it got me thinking. Being your mamma always makes me ask the hard questions. This time I wondered about THE PEACE and how we are living it.

You said you “want to shoot down a tree and to shoot down the power lines”, and there isn’t anything wrong with this, hear that clear. It just made me stop and think for a moment. Little boys love guns and wars and battles of all kinds. My daddy said no guns at our house but we found ways to make our own, turn the garden implements to battle staffs for our ninja club. Children find ways to fight. I just want you to know that you are part of a better way.

You need to know that your daddy and I? We believe the Peace.

You can watch us. The way we do the hard work of getting along, of asking the questions. Peace making isn’t about hiding my boy. It has taken your daddy and I a long time to learn this. To believe that making the peace isn’t about pretending we don’t hear when a word is spoken against us. No boy. That is for cowards. We walk into James 3, believing that the wise are the peacemakers, the humble. You can watch us do our best to bow our knees, to admit our mistakes, but not to cower under it. We want you to learn to use your words, the power of them to disarm or to wage war. The ways that we can use our social capital to build another up or to tear them down. We are still learning this, I will always be the last to call myself wise.

I want you to watch the counter cultural ways of your daddy. The ways he dampens the power of the empire of pop culture by pointing out its absurdity. The way he points to our humble King every chance he gets. The way he believes, that even while he is turning a kingdom upside down he can do it in peaceful ways. That being a cultural subversive doesn’t mean you throw rocks, but that you take those rocks and build something beautiful instead. The way he does the hardest work of discussions he hates…because being brave enough to make peace doesn’t mean he likes it. No your daddy would much rather live the Peace than make it. You can watch him please…the way his rage doesn’t exist. The way the Spirit flourishes there.

You can watch me too I guess. Watch the way I learn to tame the flesh in me. You know this temper can flare up hot, the way the fuse can just be too short. I want you to watch the ways the Spirit can dampen even a wick like that. I’m learning my boy, I’m learning.

We are going to help you fan this spirit in your own heart. What you need to do to care for your soul to reveal this Spirit in you. The ways you will need space and time like your mamma, the way you aren’t going to be able to rush. You need to know that it takes more bravery to stand up and do the hard work of making the peace than it does to submit to the rage. It takes more strength to bend the weapons into implements of peace. You have these in abundance…I just watched you face the wrath of baby sister with dignity, turning her fists away and never once raising yours. I am achingly proud of you.

Grace and Peace,

Mamma

PS: Peace chasers watch this! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWH4R0_-4hg

¹⁷But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving,considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

James 3:17

When I am a Mountain

Aside

Oh God. You know it in me don’t you? The way I ache to be the kind of woman who tells the mountain to move and it does. But so often, don’t you see me? Apologizing for the inconvenience I caused the mountain. Did I ask too much of you? You…Mountain…you were just so comfortable there.

I don’t think it has ever been faith that has been my problem. It is so much larger than that mustard seed you talked about, the truth is it has always seemed to fill the whole space in my heart. The size of a kidney bean at the very least. And yet? These mountains keep filling my whole vision.

You see, I am desperate for the mountains to move, the ones in my heart that eclipse you, the ones that have names and the ones that have been there for so long they feel like they belong to the landscape. They can move though…can’t they? Take a stick of dynamite to me if you must. Explode me from the inside out, as long as this heart beats pure and true.

You can split me open like an egg if you want to. Shatter all these shells I wear. You can stir me up and serve me out as long as they shout about Your Glory when we are done.

You can wear me out like small boys jeans. Wear me weak in the knees where I bowed low to lift you high if that is what it takes for me to fall into the shadows. Spent to the end on your behalf as long as when it’s over the threads are bare in all the right places.

You can burn me down, plunder me bankrupt as long as You make the ash a Phoenix and the mountains are nothing but the place from which the spirit wind blows and lifts me high.

Create in me a clean heart Oh God.

(Missing this space, the few who gather here…so I will be hitting publish more often. Hoping if I just turn the tap back on the water will start flowing? Linking with Emily and the sisterhood over at She Loves)

Roots

Posted on September 12, 2013 by melissafed

I planted more lupins this spring. Lillies too. Shasta daisies and Rudbeckia.

Lupins grow wild here. But, still I want more, I want the property overrun with them, all colours, pushing out the mulien, the thistles. The goodness pushing out all the rest. I want the roots to deepen and the seeds to fall and create new plants next year.

There are rules to follow on each package of seed. When to plant, how deep, how far apart, the type of soil where they will grow best. There are whole books on the subject (someday I will read them).

And it is the way our society works, we create systems to control and contain… and we wish, oh how we wish, that people responded like the seeds. That we could invest and be guaranteed a return. That perhaps, if we follow the instructions exactly, we will see fruit. The problem is people just don’t work like that. The problem is, of course, that people come with intense variations, some scarred, some even ground to a fine powder, and some with so much pride they cannot even see themselves as a seed, deluded to believe they are a great oak tree.

We used to get a lot of pressure to participate in things like the “Leadership Summit” or other Programs to enact on people. It took me a long time to know why the concept didn’t sit right, when so many of the people were brilliant and had so many amazing things to say. Our issue is this: there is an incredible temptation to fall into successful business plan as method of growing a church. This has never been the way of the cross, the upside down kingdom. Jesus was tempted to take control too, to rise up into a world-class Leader. He said No. So do we. Systems have never impacted the human heart in a positive way, and more education has never produced life change.

At this point in my husband’s ministry he often gets told to write a book about his methods or to become a youth ministry leader. He has no interest. He says this; “What we did will not work for you. Just create spaces for the Spirit to move and for community to form”. God is already here in our midst, already working in the hearts of the people in your path. Your job is just to help them see it. We have seen that people are moved by the Spirit, and by leaders and by community and these can happen IN SPITE OF a program, not because of it.

I wish I could tell you there was a short cut to this maturity thing. To this becoming a whole person in Christ thing.

No. We have to step back and remind ourselves that we are a people under renovation…that is the point of this thing isn’t it? The pursuit of wholeness, of understanding and humility bowed at the throne of Grace. It isn’t a linear process, this thing called life. It is the backwards and forwards momentum and the way we always choose to move towards the Cross, and our eventual and complete restoration.

Do you remember that plan of salvation image from a decade or two ago? You know that one with the cross as bridge to salvation? The one that made it seem like a once and final trek? I’ve been thinking about it lately. Of course choosing the cross makes your salvation secure, but what else? What about the dailies of this beast of a thing? To me now the bridge between completely broken and absolutely restored is progression. There is movement towards one or the other every single today. Life is never static, you are always building into your life…what are you strengthening? Your wholeness or your brokenness?

That is what we are dealing with friends. We were warned weren’t we? Some of us water. Some of us plant. Some of us till the soil. BUT ONLY GOD MAKES IT GROW. It is the most frustrating thing about ministry…no matter how hard you work, some soil will not turn, some seeds will not grow, some will grow like crazy for a couple of years and get burned by the sun. But we…we just keep tending our plot with all the bravery and integrity we can muster. We keep putting our roots deeper still expecting our own deaths to feed another upstart plant. That perhaps next season, more fruit will be born.

The lupins creep all over this place. Some sprouting up in the least likely of places, others dying off where I thought they would thrive. I just keep shaking the seed pods, considering the lilies. It is the very most I can do.

***Many of the thoughts today are inspired by Jonathon Martins book “Prototype”. Worth your time!***

First Days: E goes to KINDERGARTEN

Posted on September 4, 2013 by melissafed

An interview with Em on her first day of kindergarten:

My favorite food is: Cream Cheese

My favorite colour: Pink and Purple

My favorite toy: My new horseys that mamma bought me and it came with a trophy and a brush

My favorite TV Show: Sophia the First

My favorite movie: Rio

My favorite thing to do outside: Slide down slide into the pool

My best friend: Jaida is my best friend in school

The coolest person in the world is: Teacher Grace

My favorite sport is: Golf

My favorite animal: Dogs and Cats

My favorite thing to do with daddy: Get Candy

My favorite thing to do with mommy: Get Candy

Favorite place to go: Candy Store

When I grow up I want to be: Ballerina Teacher

My favorite snack is: Pizza fishy crackers

What was your favorite thing about his summer? “I had fun on the train”

First Days: Grade 2

Posted on September 3, 2013 by melissafed

An interview with Owen on the first day of school:

My favorite food is: Bubble gum ice cream

My favorite colour: Blue and orange

My favorite toy: Monster trucks, angry birds and stuffed monkey.

My favorite TV Show: Jake and the Neverland Pirates

My favorite movie: Robin Hood

My favorite thing to do outside: Play with monster truck in sandbox

My best friend: Lane and Leah

The coolest person in the world is: Daddy & Mommy

My favorite sport is: Baseball

My favorite animal: Monkey

My favorite thing to do with daddy: Go to Disneyland

My favorite thing to do with mommy: Get candy

Favorite place to go: Disneyland

When I grow up I want to be: Fireman or a Police

My favorite snack is: White noodles

Best thing about summer was: All of it</

Things I learned in August

Posted on September 1, 2013 by melissafed

August.

Where have you gone and how did you go and can’t you come back for just a few more days? Something about this summer feels incomplete and rushed. Like somehow I missed a bit of something. I don’t know how it happened. What with all my planning and intention to be slow and quiet somehow I still rushed and blustered. So today, slowing before the rush of a crazy fall to ask the big question….what was it I learned this fast and furious month?

I learned I do jazz hands and open my mouth as one at the dentist every ding, dang time someone points a camera at me. I don’t know how it started but now I just cannot stop.

I learned how much I respect people who bite their tongues sometimes. Who might know the best answer, might have the better story, might be related to the subject but don’t feel the need to dominate and dictate. I like the quiet and the wise. The ones who tell their stories with their lives and affections not with the wagging tongues turning ships on their sides.

I learned the only garden I can grow is the kind that grows all alone. A garden that keeps growing when the sprinkler timers go out and when I don’t notice for a week. The hip kids call this planting native plants I think? Or experiments in survival of the fittest? Either way, the russian sage is doing well. Otherwise? Um…lets talk about something else…

I learned the most important lesson about living in the woods is that one must be perpetually on guard to ‘things’ moving into your house. A marmot made his home in the engine compartment of the plow truck. Something scratchy was in our drain pipe last night. The battle is on. My husband says he is really ‘manning up’. Me too I guess. I killed more wasps this summer than anyone else ever. They stung my kids ok? Wasp – apocalypse is what happens then.

I learned I love the words of Christian Wiman and got stung by another great work by O’Connor.

I learned some people are even better in real life than they are online. I learned that community is big and expansive and ‘your people’ exist. Find them. I learned that my life is big enough to share and that inviting people in can be very rewarding. I learned it is ok to take space too…that sometimes NO is the only appropriate response.

I learned my husband can parent solo near flawlessly…much better than I can. Ten days and nobody even blinked. Everyone was combed and clean and fed…not only that they went to mountain retreats for treasure hunts and found water slides and the worlds biggest truck and “MOMMY YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN…”. I learned I am recklessly blessed by a man that encourages me to open every door and holds it open for me to walk right on out sometimes.

I learned some things I can’t unlearn. I walked the night markets of Bangkok and found I could buy near anything, save the redemption of the world. I got all righteous and angry and then I met her eyes, the huge brown ones that have not yet seen 15 years. I met her eyes and I wiped the smugness off my face and I gazed at her with the adoration of Christ. I wondered what we could change to keep more little girls singing in mirrors with their hair brushes instead of on stages with men making plans for them…

I learned I might not be able to change the world, but I can do the next tiny thing ahead of me with great love. But I learned I can’t even do that without extravagant amounts of grace.

I learned that my patience is short, and even the next tiny thing (like a bedtime without drama) might be too much for me. I learned I am immature sometimes and I still feel that repulsive need to prove myself to you. That compulsion to defend and insulate from your critique. Even if I know the axe you grind is your own insecurity, I will still need to claw my way out. Barf.

I learned one cannot take ten days off from half marathon training and expect to feel good upon return. Especially after eating curry for breakfast for 7 days… Lets just say Saturdays plans feel a bit grandiose.

So that is August for me….What did you learn this fine last month of summer??? Linking with Emily & Leigh about what I learned and what I am into…

Sea Glass and Other Treasures

Posted on August 26, 2013 by melissafed

Just over there where the tide roles they light fires. The garbage from the day, the tourist trash. The glass bottles shatter on the bottom of the ocean here in the Gulf of Thailand. All of it dragged out to sea the burned up and the broken. We collect the treasure left behind, the sea glass and the shattered and dead shells. See that, how the sand of it runs through your fingers?

The days they just slip sometimes don’t they? Sqaundered on the small or discontent moments. The legacy we wished we were leaving or the things we wish to be to other people eclipsed because we just cannot quell the selfish…how it wants you to really see me. All the wish we hads or the too much pain or the heaviest heart.
But I won’t trade it.
I rise up…back arched in the breaking waves. I wonder how many times you can do that in a life? Bath in the salt water of tears pinned to the bottom by the crashing waves?
But then. There you are…the rock solid core smashed apart, shrunk down and tumbled. Only the core left, that place there right around your heart, the ‘made in the image piece’. Your failures are guaranteed, your flesh already failing you. So can’t we then stop forgetting our dim reflections? Please, can’t we have permission to do the next tiny and glory laden thing? Forget about the magnificient things…they are built from your daily work, one on top of the other. Faithful with sand, seeing the profound beauty in it.
You can burn me down, break me up, tumble me on the bottom…just as long as I find myself smooth in Your hands…

A Church Lady Rant (or about that time I was accidentally naked in front of several semi-truck drivers)

Posted on August 9, 2013 by melissafed

It happened about six weeks ago.

My boss called from Texas to tell me that a visiter from the MINISTRY OF HEALTH was coming to my office to hear about our work. She would be accompanied by the people who hold our funding (i.e. the money that pays all of our bills) and representatives from the Health Authority. My boss said “It would be great if you could host them, this is very important”. Of course I said, though it was on my day off, though I would need to find some extra babysitting. The day before the important meeting I prepped the office, posted the posters that best illustrate our work, found some handouts they might like to see, dusted the meeting table. You know…the works. So all was looking great.

But. Then. My daughter woke up sick. Needed LOTS of me. She wanted to work in the garden so off we went. In sweat pants. Flip Flops. Unshowered. No make up. And…somehow…we lost track of time. At 2 pm, I realized we needed to hustle if we were to pick up my son from school on time. We ran out the door.

Flip flops. Sweat pants. No make up. No shower.

We met O after school, walked to the playground, visited with some precious friends, including another pastors wife from church.

At 3 pm we got in the car. I picked up my cell phone and a calendar alarm is going off. Isn’t that strange? What could that be?

Oh. Oh My.

My meeting is in 30 minutes. I have two children in my car. I AM IN SWEAT PANTS. I live in the woods, if I drive all the way home and back I will miss the meeting completely. I chase my friend from church across the highway and say:

“Hey, can my kids come play for an hour, I forgot about something”.

“Of course, my kids will be thrilled”

I literally put my kids on her stairs and squealed my tires out of the driveway. I drive fast. I find myself at Marks Work Warehouse (the only clothing store on this side of town). I RUN in. Grab a dress from the rack. I pay for it without trying it on. I run to my car. I start towards the university. I stop at a red light and I take off my shirt.

I can’t explain it.

I just did it.

It is more shocking to me than to you ok? Seriously. I don’t know what happened to my panic-stricken mind but in that moment of getting my new dress on, all I could think was “I CAN’T BELIEVE I FORGOT ABOUT THIS”.

So once I was dressed again and looked up to find my little Subaru surrounded by semi trucks terror-struck deep in my heart. “Did I just see Pastor Joel’s wife…???? No. Couldn’t be”. At least…I hope that is what everyone at Hwy 97 and Mccurdy thought.

You guys? I strode into that meeting less than five minutes late. My boss got an email from the Minister of Health telling her that isn’t it “so amazing when you get the right people in the right jobs?! Melissa is great”.

I picked up my children one hour later…they wanted to stay at my friend’s house.

SO WHY DID I TELL YOU THIS HORRIFYING TALE (it might also be awesome….my friend Alison sung me Amy Grant at a dinner party…I just heard this song for the first time and am dying) YOU ASK? Here is the point:

“Destination” churches are dying. Young people don’t believe in slick programs anymore. Driving across town to go to church DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. You need to build your community with the people with whom you are ACTUALLY doing life with. The friend I described above and I have been serving in the same ministry for almost a decade, but we did not become close friends until OUR LIVES STARTING CROSSING OVER. You can’t have genuine relationship with people you see once a month. You cannot be involved in someones life if you only see them across a busy foyer. You need to meet regularly in the nitty, gritty of life. In the school yard, the grocery store, the church service events, the small groups AND THE foyer.

I am not good at this friends. Ask anyone. I like my space.

Some people need loads more time than I do to fall into intimacy with people…I need very little to feel like we are best friends (it makes me kind of crappy a friend, except for the fact that I am in it for life). But the truth of it is I am ready to collect my people. I want you all in one place. Those of you who are wandering, not participating anywhere, why not come build the church of our dreams?

Or commit to your neighborhood church. I don’t care where you go actually. But it is time that church stopped being a destination to you. You do not need to go to EVERY event, that EVERY church has. You need one church. You need lots of different types of people. You need to be reminded of the beauty and the burden that is community.

I am a big believer in pendulum shifts in the church. Back and forth with the worship and the service and the evangelism and the discipleship. She swings wildly sometimes and us in service hold on tight. If the scaffolding is Jesus we will stand, if it isn’t? Well…Then we fall and start again and build up from the ground.

I’ve prayed it every year of our ministry. Every week of youth. “Lord God be ruthless with us, tear out every piece of us that hinders, collapse every aspect of us that ceases to glorify you”. You know what? He does…God help us…He does.

But it is a season to build. Will you join us?

Fall at Willow Park is going to be amazing. Pursuit is cooking. I am excited to build something that stands time, my friends. I want to watch you get married and I want to bring you a casserole when you have a baby. I want to sit beside you when the big uglies of life strike. I want to chase Jesus with you. I want you to have my back too.

If you are a Pursuit woman….will you join us on Sunday? Sarah Bessey (one of my favorite writers and author of an important book coming out this year) is speaking and then we are just going to spend the day having picnics and getting to know each other. Think of it like you are coming for a long tea party in the woods. Its going to be adorable.

Art by http://www.joellegebhardt.com/

I hope you will join us; in all sorts of ways.

(Sorry to spam your life…looks like I got over my finger laryngitis)

A Marriage Letter: To The King of the Exclamation Point

Posted on August 8, 2013 by melissafed

The luckiest girl in the world…

To the King of the Exclamation Point,

My friend Michelle asked me what my Myers Briggs personality type was last week. I told her and then out of curiosity read a description (it had been a long time ago at work that I learned I am a Dreamer/Idealist. Who knew?). I couldn’t stop reading it aloud to you and being appalled by the fact that I am a raging cliché (which INFPs hate…read about that in paragraph 3). We did your typing next and then held the pair up side by side and marvelled at a marriage that has stood nearly 15 years…we could not be more different. You the king of the exclamation point, me…the queen of the ellipsis.

You’ve noticed that haven’t you? The way I have no capacity to finish a thought, how it keeps spinning and spinning around my head. We will have a conversation and then an hour later I will pipe up with no lead in about what I was trying to say. You have no idea what I am talking about…that conversation for you ended an hour ago with an exclamation point. It is midpoint of our ministry summer, and summer is the time of year when we forget how to communicate. We actually have to repeat things several times for the other to understand. You say we get out of rhythm. That is the truth, for it takes a fine balance to match your exclamation points with all of my ellipses…

You are a preacher. I am a storyteller. Preachers say it is finished. Story tellers keep tracking the back story…but then what happens? You can see it in your sermons, your emails, your invitations to people. You can see it in my text messages, my tweets (even when I am desperate to save characters)…I even tried to slip an ellipsis into an academic piece once. Turns out ellipsis are not part of APA format (learn to use a comma for Petes sake Melissa).

It says a lot about how we process the world. The black and white you see. The gray I get lost in.

I’ve been having those dreams again this summer. You know the ones? Cold sweats, full run, beating heart. My anxiety has raised its ugly head for the first time in a few years, and though I can manage the beast just fine during the day when the night falls it is a different story. You will find me searching the house for someone or something. It crossed my mind as I watched you swim with the littles today that maybe it is you I am always looking for, worried about. Or maybe it runs away further when I don’t see you here, always so calm, so dependable, so reliable.

We both know the truth of this thing don’t we? How you are the stabilizing force. How I am desperate for you to put an end to certain thoughts. To finish an idea. To start a new conversation. To have hope in our outcome when, if left to my own devices I would never, ever stop with the “WHAT IFS?”. We both know the truth of it…me without you? I would be under the train for sure…caught in the wreckage of too many thoughts. You are the one that tends to keep me on the tracks, pointing due North.

The first Valentines Day we spent together, I was sixteen and you picked me up in your Ford Escort, the hatch was filled with red roses and blankets and supplies to start a fire by the river. You were just getting started with your setting things on fire, punctuating most moments of our lives with the exclamation points, exuberance, excitement, finality, trust.

I never told you this before. Three weeks before our wedding, one of my dramatic friends asked me how, someone like me, occasionally lost in my own mind with too many thoughts, and too much internal drama, how could I marry someone with a heart so light, one who carried the world in a completely different sort of basket? Could I deal with that much joy or would it drive me over some metaphoric cliff?

The truth of the matter is that she made my already cool feet turn to ice.

But she didn’t get it and I was just starting to see it. The way we were melding to bring out the best in each other. How being with you made me want to be better, stronger, faithful, honest. How your choosing me gave you some shades, freed you to pursue your call like other relationships might not. How I needed someone to make me laugh like that. How I just plain like to be with you.

It makes me laugh sometimes, all the people we know getting divorced. They say it is because they are too different. We’ve taught each other there is no such thing.

Anyways…We will fall back into rhythm soon. The fine balance of passion and stability that we teeter on.

Till then know that we are missing you something fierce this summer. We are lonely and the balance of this whole place is off… there is just something important missing.

With all my love,

The Queen of the Ellipsis

(Linking with Amber and friends…so happy you are doing this again! I am linking this letter I wrote this summer to the man…I kept going!)

And if you are looking for more of the marriage letters you can find them here)