Samwise (my obscenely large dog) is vacillating between chasing the robins out of the yard and laying his giant face in my lap (which is currently full of computer).The solar lights just turned on. The sun is setting, quietly and without any fanfare. And that is where I have been too. Rising and falling beneath the cover of a small life. I rise with little people; cereal and books and fights and SO MUCH MESS. I cook, I clean, I craft and make. Today? We painted rocks to look like lady bugs and bumblebees and painted a tic-tac-toe board on a stump. Life is simple these days. Small.
And. I feel like I’ve lost my voice. Like I have laryngitis of my fingertips. I don’t know why. Every time I post more people than the last time read and I am silenced by the fact that I have no idea who I am writing to. Who do you expect to hear when you tune in and spend your precious time with me? The church lady? Mamma? Melissa? Something else? I don’t know. I start to freeze.
I want to find the voice again though so I am writing (and hitting publish tonight) in spite of myself.
Did I tell you this was the year of “YES”? In the months leading up to O’s birth I felt God calling me to a season of “NO”. Of small, of cocoon, of only spit clothes and diapers and I relished every moment of it. God fed me in those months, no YEARS, like never in my life. He fed me for the sake of myself and my babes and there was no demand that I process it and spit it back out in ministry again. No. He called me to still. To quiet. It was glorious. I learned who I am again. The things I love. What quiet sounds like. What an introvert needs to thrive in an extroverts life.
But. Now. And suddenly. This winter, God said….”Now Melissa, I am calling you to a few YESSES…BUT…not like before. No. Never again like THAT”.
So. I made a point of prayerfully considering what I would step into. Say YES too. Initiate. Plan.
And do you know what? Strange things are afoot friends. I went to a conference and got EXCITED about nursing again (for the first time?) and then within DAYS? I got offered a funded seat in graduate studies. I’ve thought about doing this for years, but was worried it was the wrong time, that I did not know the big WHY?! But now. I do. And I am excited.
Also. I told myself I needed to get moving. That I strangely felt that uncomfortable feeling of not being strong enough to keep up. Of not remembering how to ride my bike. Of just the plan old lazies. I told myself I would say YES to any offers to move. When a friend asked me to coffee, I would say lets walk instead (do you know how many coffees/muffins a pastor’s wife eats in a week…it is a serious concern). Anyways. I somehow started running. Someone said. Lets run this 5 km? I said why not 10? Another friend said…we could do that half marathon you know…I said “Why not?” (that question has subsequently been answered in the negative a thousand times since but still I keep going…16 km on Friday…what in the WHAT?). September 7 friends. For Reals.
And then. There is Thailand. Did I tell you I am heading out in under a month? Speaking at a conference in Pattaya. 3 nights in Bangkok and the world’s your oyster (I have always believed the lyrics were “makes the whole world tremble”…is my Christian showing?). I am trembling a little on this one friends. Flying across oceans from my babies is never a good feeling. But trembling has never been a symptom that you should stop, you know? Life is found on the upside down of fear. On the right side of courage, of selflessness and BRAVE. So off I go; In spite of my terrified self.
I know this sounds like I have a vicious case of the ‘braggies”. Maybe I do. But also, what if you challenged yourself to a few YES-ES!? What if, when you are invited into ministry or sport or challenge or job you stopped selling yourself short and just said YES instead. What would happen then? I would love to hear about it.
It is the quietest Switchback summer in the history of ever so Sam is still here with me. Alternating between whimpering in my lap and running around the yard. There are a few dogs barking tonight, one of the neighbors just shouted… and maybe there was a gun shot. There are few things Samwise approves of less than me being outside alone after nightfall. What a bozo. Also? I adore him.
Thanks for reading. Any tips on getting my groove back, writing prompts or what you like best about your visits here would be DIAMONDS for me.