The two of you plant yourselves firmly on the mid-point of my chest. You sit there, each of you a mere forty odd pounds but sometimes I feel the weight of the whole world pressing on me, pushing the air from my lungs, the blood from my heart. Sometimes you feel so dreadfully heavy.

That night recently when you growled at dinner, pushed down babies,  took a swing at your Sunday School teacher, threatened to kick that man in the shins?

I have visions of you and who you could be and it scares the breath and blood right out of me.

When you punch your sister in the Costco shopping cart? When you roar vicious? When I am certain I have failed you at every turn?

These are the reasons it took me so long to chase after having children. Married a solid six before we even discussed it. These are the easy things to articulate about the motherhood journey. These are the things my mamma friends found descriptions for easily.

But. Then.

I also had no idea what it might feel like when you whisper together, laugh out loud, act with compelling compassion. I couldn’t explain to you what happens to my heart when I overhear conversations when you make up nicknames for each other and Mr. Pickles tells Beakie that he loves her more than the moon and that his life would be like a ‘chicken’ without her. I didn’t know that everything about me would change slightly the first time you spoke the word ‘mommy’. All of who I once was, pressed by the weight, refined, emerging as something new entirely. Something better, truer, more honest, less driven by image; MUCH more humble.

It is the things impossible to say that make it worth everything. I’m left breathless for a different reason entirely.

We’ve moved into a lovely phase with the kids…so enjoying them right now. I know better than to take these sweet days for granted.

Thankful for:

677) Last sledding excursion of the year (hopefully)

678) New toys that make the afternoon of daddy’s ninth day away much more bearable

679) Sweet conversations overheard

680) Help from friends with childcare…Thank you Lisa & Karl, Rochelle, Sister Shells and Zoe!

681) Pappa Don coming to help too! Gummy sharing her man! Thanks again for everything!!!

682) Blue sky’s and bright sunshine. Sparkle.

683) Thaw? Oh please, oh please, oh please.

684) Little Chefs. Assessment from the boy child? “This pizza is exquisite”. Be still my heart.

685) That we didn’t get snowed in while J was away. Yay Moose!

686) Quiet moments of play in perfect streams of sunshine.

687) More gentleness, less tempers flaring

688) A gorgeous walk by the water in the sun this afternoon

689) Great lunch dates

690) I think I heard it? The first songbird back.

691) The man…almost home…with extraordinary tales to tell.