I stopped my singing. I couldn’t force these words out last night at church. It felt like a lie, felt like it was something that just wasn’t true.

For every thirst? For every need?

This Lenten season I can’t help but realize my own substitutions. All the ways I self medicate instead of approaching throne with confidence. All the ways I soothe myself instead of bringing it to God who could make something out of this, all the ways I forget and take His grace for granted. Daily in this fasting I accidentally indulge. I crave my anaesthetics and in that realize that these are idols in my life…

But then what if failing at lent is really succeeding? Isn’t the point to look long and hard at self? Isn’t the point to realize all the ways we fall short? To look long enough at ourselves ‘to see that what seems to us and to others as normally attractive is actually as graceless as a scarecrow and even repulsive. It is an easy matter for the physical eye to spot physical deformity and blemish in others and in oneself. It is not so easy for the eye of the spirit to spot spiritual deformity’ (Hong, Bread and Wine).

What is it I desire from this life? Is it to be neat, tidy and easy? Or is it to be dynamic, growing, thriving, dying away so that there is room for more truth, more passion? Do I dare descend off my comfortable seat and do the hard work of recognizing where God wants to till and weed out?

540) So today…I am thankful for his matchless Grace. So thankful today that he keeps running after me. Thankful that he still loves me in all my failings and flounderings.Thankful again that this season he wants to teach me how to walk with him, to find my strength in him to awake me from my sleep walking. How he longs to “draw me towards an ever deeper skepticism about myself (that we may have all the more confidence in God), toward an ever deeper self-distrust (that we may trust in God all the more)”(Hong, Bread & Wine).

That He can and wants to be all of my ‘enoughs’.