(I turned 38 last week. And I always journal my way through a prayer and a hope, a marker for the year to come. This year? Let’s dance…)

No, but really, let’s dance.

Oh my Jesus let’s dance…

Set my feet to the rhythm of grace and the anthems of freedom. Let me move with intention, by your spirit, take every lead. Help me learn to step less often on your toes.

Appoint me to be the love song and rush these feet to justice. Let me move and step lightly. Move these hands to the melodies of mercy. A living, breathing, dancing poem in this dark world.

Help me to join in creation with the trees clapping their hands and let me raise my own in worship. Help me not miss a moment to give you all the glory. Never let my dancing for you detract from you; let me always be helping people to see you…the joy you released in me. The freedom you gave me. The passion you always stir.

Oh Jesus….and when the dirge plays and some among us are mourning let  me sway even still and hold tightly to the hope I profess. Rock these hips like a lullaby and help me to be your messenger to remind the world that in the end the monsters will not win.

Teach me also, to rejoice with those rejoicing. And when they call me undignified, let me be even more undignified for your glory.  You deserve all my praise.

Oh God. On the terracotta tile of my kitchen and the industrial carpets of my work, in the street and in the church. Oh God move my body and stir my heart to the movement of your spirit, don’t let me miss a single prompt.

Oh Jesus, give me the depths and breadth of my very own life.

38…Let’s dance.

I am the sort of woman who mourns the end of the balsam arrowroot season. And who, is already sad about the lupines dying (though they will not bloom here for two weeks at least). The season for those yellow wildflowers this year was exceptional…every hillside of the valley was covered in them.

I can’t help but think about you as I see those flowers fade. How much impact those flowers had on me as they brightened up each day, as I pulled over to take photos of the sun setting on them. How much more do you matter to this planet? Your short and sweet life…it matters to us.

The energy in every room shifts when you walk in. We sense you. For better or for worse we know you are here. You are impacting every space you inhabit…what is it you are bringing to the table? What joy? What peace? What love? What encouragement and grace are you responsible for? How will you bless? What is your everyday contribution to your space and place? What of the Kingdom come are you responsible for?

A friend said to me recently, “I need a shirt that says, It is what it is” and I said NO! It is what we bring to it!

I know we can’t control everything. Oh I know. But we do get to control what we bring to it, what we take from it, how we perceive it, how we manage it, what we let ‘it’ do to us.

I have been tracing the lines of my sons hands lately, tracing his character as it develops. I want to know the depth of him so that as he enters his teens I can remind him of every good thing I know. I will teach him the impact of his courage, his kindness, his words and his love. I will remind him of his opposite potential also…how we are always growing towards one or the other.

Oh… my gorgeous wildflower…I love to watch you bloom.

Once a week we do not set an alarm. And on these days I wake to dappled sunlight warming our duvet cover. This morning I just stayed there, stretched my tired body out further. I went to the porch, read some poetry, climbed into the hot tub. It is 9:30 now…the kids are still asleep.

Sabbath rest is meant for us.

Last night my boy hit ‘the wall’. Four baseball games in a week plus school will do that to a profound introvert. He paced and hid and shouted “I just need alone time”. He reminds me always. He taught me how to rest. He helped me to see when we need it. He showed me my sin of rush and agenda and output. He is still my thermometer. He tells me when the water in our heads is getting too hot.

This week I was in well over my head. But the way I figure it…this is how we learn to swim. So swim I did and I kept my head mostly just above water. I know you are sure there is someone more equipped and better than you for the dream or vision in your heart. But it doesn’t matter. You were called for such a time as this, to such a place as your miraculously ordinary HERE. And so we step in, we serve to the best of our capacity.

And then…when you have done your good work, served the city to which you were called, loved with every inch of yourself;

You rest. You settle in with the peace that surpasses and you trust that there is nothing more required of you.

You are built for rest…it is as necessary for you as oxygen and water. Find your sacred rhythm and keep it…

Did you know the chorus frogs stop singing by two in the morning? They do. We listened last night. They chant and shake the silence out of our mountain every pinky dusk but when the dark comes it seems they hush.

One child was sick and coughed the other one awake last night. She snuck upstairs with me. We watched the clouds slip across the nearly full moon. I asked her how she would explain it to someone who was blind. She told me it was like a piece of silk falling off of a light bulb. Yes.

The child has perfectly round cheeks have you noticed? And just now, when you kiss her, you can cover the whole thing. My lips were built to kiss her face. My darling.

This time of year, our mallards return. They move from the small collections of water around our place. From one side of the road to the other. Always just the two of them.

There is a pair of crows that sit atop the dead tree by the mailbox. They are the sentinels waiting to call the others when there is something rotting…or it is garbage day. They always seem to know when the trash is out. There is a great grey owl who hunts from our fencepost.

They are all home here too.

We had record-breaking heat this week and then rain fell and we know what our mountain smells like now when she breathes a sigh of relief.

Emily drew a picture of our house and it is so Suessical the way that house is perched so precariously on a mountain top. How every house was perched on its own magic hill. I can’t help thinking about it constantly. It is the perfect metaphor for the life we are building…the fine balance of building a home that shapes them, but of also blowing open the doors of our life to pour out our blessings. To know and remember that all of it is gift. And all of it…all of us…meant to be poured out again and again.

What are the ways that the home we make is shaping their hearts? How am I teaching them to yearn for Holy Wholeness…To break for all the broken?

Three years ago we sat in northern Kenya in the middle of a wildlife reserve and listened to the howls and roars. We never saw any of the big cats during the day, but the nights were enough to make me feel small.

It was the end of a long day of dry roads and beautiful stories. We sat with a pastor who had been serving the same congregation for more than 30 years. He was still excited by it and we wanted to learn everything we could from him. He develops leaders and he told us there is nothing that kills more of them then their own insecurity. He said he was watched it 1000 times. We have watched it since. And we now too believe it. These are men who do not let people rise up beside them. Women who in the face of another alpha figure out a way to throw her under the bus.

Insecurity is the mark of the narcissist. The Achilles heel of pride. Nobody will attempt to wound you more often than an insecure man. No woman will attempt to reduce you more often then an insecure woman.

It doesn’t take much to impress me really. Bring your poetry and humanity to the office. Bring your brain and faith to the church. Don’t leave any of yourself out. Don’t edit yourself for one of the other. We want all of you. All the time.

Bring your questions and your emotions.

Bring your passion and your abilities.

Bring your heart and your head.

But you cannot bring any of it if you also bring your insecurity. You cannot bring any of your truth if you bring your wounds unhealed. Your wounds will tear open at every snarl and hint of opposition. You will bleed and you will react against your own better judgement. You will make up excuses and you will blame someone else. You will lie.

The beautiful truth is that you do not need to think much of yourself to walk in confidence. You were called and equipped for the space just in front of you. Just to the right. Only a little to the left. There is no one else on the planet that can occupy that space in the way that you can. The beautiful truth is that in humility you can know…this is not about your ability but HIS empowerment. This is not about your skills but because of your SUBMISSION to His calling.

Do whatever it is you need to do to feel secure in His hand. And walk in it.

Today the kids and I had some time to kill. We stumbled into a marvelous stand of birch trees circling round a small marsh. There was some mallard and wood ducks, two Canadian Geese. We sat and watched them for a long time. One of the mallards had a blue beak, the kids had never noticed before how the ducks walk on water sometimes, how they can be still swimming, but almost flying.

I have become obsessed with the how of things lately. In a world so obsessed with a product, an end, immediate results, I myself am newly tuned into the HOW? The process is the product in all things.

A good relationship is not a thing you attain, it is something you create, daily. It is never static and it never stands still. These loves of yours are always on their way one way or the other. Which direction are you headed?

In leadership…My favourite quote has long been that the best we can do is ‘let people down at a pace they can handle’. And when we do, we circle back. We say: “I know I let you down, I know we are not going the direction you had hoped but I hope we can build something new together”. As a Christian, it is a little easier (or should be) because we also get to say “I am only heading the same way you are…I hope I don’t kick any rocks up in your windshield…lets go together…fix our eyes on HIM”.

 And Oh. Motherhood. I have always told you how hard I find it. How difficult. I think the cause is the same. Motherhood is not something you can evaluate. It is not something you can check off at the end of the day, and you certainly do not get any recognition. And so. We check our process…what is it just today, that our system produced? What direction are we headed? Was there more love, peace, patience, kindness and joy in our home? Or…no?

It is Good Friday today. I could not help but note the perfect metaphor as we walked. Most of the marsh is still dead. No leaves. But then. Just starting to bud and burst a certain tree was beginning to wake up, to resurrect itself to spring.

Here I am on Good Friday and He said “It is finished”, but there are all these rocks yet to be rolled off of me. There is all this dead in me yet to rise.

The sinner made saint…and yet.

I only want to be the Kingdom version of myself…if only.

To be both dead to self and alive in Him.

How it is always both/and. The process of our santification is always thus.

A process.

(Joining with Kate Motaung and her 5 minute writing community and if you want to think more about our spiritual journey as process…I came across this and loved it…)

This morning I lit a candle, watched the sun rise on one horizon while the moon refused to hang it up for the day on the other. She just sat there, caught on the mountains, hung up on the pine trees. The sky scalded pink and blue.

I was praying into the day ahead of me. Holding space in my heart for the ones waking with immense pain. Today is going to be a tough one. I am always learning how it  is that one grieves well, how it is that one learns to sit in the spaces of lament and sadness and let it be.

If you know me, you know I wear rose coloured glasses. I am a hopeful one, a builder, a maker, a changer. If I don’t like it, I will work to turn it around. I am foolish enough to believe we have the capacity to change near anything. This is what it means to be part of Kingdom come.

But.

Then there is grief.

Grief stands still and there is no changing it. No rushing it. So we learn to sit in it. To let it be.

Yesterday I asked you to step into your gifts. I mean it.

Today. Will you look around your life and consider who are the walking wounded? Who are the ones waiting for you to just walk in and join them in their sadness. To sit with them in their woundedness.

This is one of your best gifts. Most will not show up. You can.

I sat with my eyes full of tears for more then an hour today. I watched sisters and brothers fully empowered, fully equipped by the God of the universe. I watched them bless us all by operating out of their gifting. By the simple fact that they stopped ripping off the rest of us and stepped up in obedience.

Yah. You heard me. If you aren’t stepping up and into the gifting God has given you; You are ripping us off. You are stealing from the church. To be honest I think it is worse then reaching into the tithe box.

You were gifted not for your own tiny kingdom. You are gift to planet earth and you have a task.

My husband preached the house down this weekend. He would be stealing if he didn’t make the sacrifices he does to serve this community. I would be stealing if I did not free him to do it.

As blessed as I am by people stepping into their gifts; I have seen the opposite too. I have seen God pour out this reckless blessing, miraculous gifting into a man who refused to walk in it. Do you know what happens? God takes it back.

It isn’t that he is punishing you. It is that this gift is for HIS glory. Not yours.

The world is waiting for you to move with the power of your gift. With His spirit alive and active. With your pride surrendered and your motivation lazer focused.

Walking in your gift is not easy. It is blessed.

It is not without opposition. It is with triumph.

I have felt the torture of stepping out of my place. Of stepping out when I know I was called to step in.

The beauty is that you can always step back in.

We can’t wait for it. We dare you to move.

I am sitting on my porch. It isn’t spring perse but a girl can dream. I am wearing my sorel boats, a hoody, flannel pajamas, a down blanket on my lap. I am a sight for the sore eyed (but like actually sore, like the kind of sore when you almost can’t open your eyes…like when you are having an allergy or you get light sensitiviy when you have the flu).

Today the birds are back. The red flair of the wood pecker flashes around the tree, the gray jay is here and teasing my dog, stealing his food. There is some screaching from the cluster of trees near the playhouse. I have trouble identifying it at first but the stellar’s jay shows herself soon enough…navy blue plume flashing in the February sun. The great gray owl was here last night, hunting from the garden fence. One could miss such things if in a rush.

It is a new season but everyone is picking up where they left off. I am putting dog food on my porch railing with the precision of a surgeon, as if this is all I have to do today. Come just a little closer Gray Jay, with your cartoon eyes, let me look at you.

My dog just lumbered out of the cluster of trees we call Fairy Hollow. He is chewing something that looks like a small animal pelvis. I am not asking questions.

I am not asking questions.

I am not trying.

I am not.

This is living Lent. The acknowledgement only of the things we are not. The peace that comes with this stance.

At Easter, we will acknowledge our Power to triumph on death, and to be the hands and feet of a resurected God.

But for now. Join me in the peace that you can rest, the earth is not spinning on your labour.

This morning I watched as the sun rose and the sky turned from black, to purple to the brightest pink. It did not last. I could not slow it down. I wanted to wake the kids to come sit with me but I knew that I would miss it too if I left my window seat.

Ashes to ashes. From dust you come and dust you will be.

Today I spoke with a colleague and he said to me, “most of my life I can look around and realize I am the most powerful person in the room. And then 12 hours later, I feel like I have no power at all, that someone else is making all the decisions for me”

So say we all. It matters not what sort of authority you wield…you are the subject of this story and you cannot slow the earth spinning round the sun. You cannot control that human beside you. You cannot delay your aging or avoid your impending death. You do not get to write the ending.

I step into Lent and I think about how I can’t stop this sinful heart either, how much I wish to be better than I am.  I can’t hold my tongue. Cannot calm the tempest of my heart. There are so many things I covet. I wish my compassion didn’t run low on so many days…

Some people consider this depressing. The atheist Bertrand Russell once wrote, “When you hear people in church debasing themselves, and saying they are miserable sinners, and all the rest of it, it seems contemptible and not worthy of self-respecting human beings.” I think his pride and arrogance is a bigger risk. I work in some of the most obscenely power soaked environments on the planet with some great thinkers. I have found it to be the epicenter of delusions of grandeur. I have seen more men crushed there then anywhere else on earth. Being your own God will choke you on your pride.

So what then? How do we spend these few moments from ash to ash? I think the metaphors are all there.

BURN bright with the passions and promises you have been given.

SHINE like a lamp on a hill, and be a beacon and a restorer to the city that you have been called.

HEAT the spaces around you with the love you have already been given.

These are our short and only days. How will you burn?