For My Valentine

Posted on February 14, 2011 by melissafed

He leaves tomorrow with two bus loads of youth. Off to alter history, and family lines and to stir up adventure and devotion in the hearts of men. He is kissing more often, and holding longer… brown eyes brimming with pride and affection. He is gentleness this man. This man who is all loyalty. All faith. This man who is Gods cure for my melancholy; for my over thinking; for my fear ridden soul.

This is the man who tales are told about, who legions follow, who is giving up his life to be Found. This is a man who lives the same at the pulpit as he does at the pub. This man is all authenticity. No pretense. No piety. He is all humble…he will ask me to delete this.So many men let their hearts grow cold long before they die, but not mine. His heart beats Truth. Good. Selfless. I can hear it from a distance. This man makes me realize that being married to extraordinary, means he must be shared.

This man tells amazing bedtime stories. He plays robots and cars and he laughs at their jokes. He kisses them a lot and uses the‘L’word. He plans adventures for us. This man dreams us dreams and he makes them true.

This is the man who raises a Banner over our household, and builds foundations of respect and patience. He always tells me ‘yes you can’ or ‘yes you should’ and he tells me when he notices I’ve said ‘yes’ too much and he tells me to take my journal to a coffee shop or to go out with friends. He says “life is short…catch that plane”, and he says “I’ll hold down the fort”. He says you need to die to be reborn and that fields need to lay fallow to produce real fruit. He says all sorts of wise things at unexpected times.

This is my man. I’ll keep the home fires burning and the banner high. My heart will beat loudly too, for him and for the things of God, and it will lead him home.

(I am slowly moving my favorite posts from my old blog over here…sorry if you’ve seen it before!)

Thankful today for my extraordinary husband…

490) Hot date with my main man (local…you must eat there)

491) My parents who come to town, give us money, send us out for dinner, and watch our children! Thanks! xoxox

492) A hard-working man (if you’re the praying kind, please keep he and his team in mind this week as they prep a very large youth conference this coming weekend)

493) A super fun man

494) A gentle man

495) A faith filled man

496) A kind man

497) An optimistic man

498) A loving man

499) A wise man

I’m sure you hate this JFed. Sorry. I just can’t help myself.

The Beast of Marriage

Posted on February 7, 2011 by melissafed

July 3, 1999

I don’t know much about this beast of marriage. How it writhes and moans under the thumb of submission. How man is to give life as Christ loved the church, the bride, sacrificial and generous, a bowed reed. How woman is to submit to this gentleness, this other focussed love. How she is to sacrifice and pin that beast down.

It’s a constant struggle. Just when I think I’ve got it immobilized and bound, she raises her ugly head. She is strong this marriage beast and she will eat you alive if you leave her unattended.

In this last decade we have learned what stirs her up, what makes the hair on her back bristle, what environments and situations make her foam at the mouth. We learn, but we are forgetful and sometimes she bites us just to remind us that she needs to be tended to. That she will not be domesticated easily.

This beast loves undivided attention. getting taken on adventures, being held in embrace. These things soothe her, make her more manageable. She is always unpredictable though and sometimes even with the very best care, she gets restless, and she chews the bones clean of flesh.

There is only One who can tame her. Only One who can make her heel. Somehow as He tames the beasts within husband and I, this marriage lays quietly between us and keeps our feet warm at night. This is the mystery of two becoming one…

Linking with up a few places today…Everyone is talking about LOVE.

Thanks Ann and Emily for providing e-community that I am learning to really love…

Super Snap

Posted on January 26, 2011 by melissafed

He calls himself ‘Super Snap’. It is his alter ego. He has Super Speed and Super Strength and I can get him to help me with near any task if I say:

“Super Snap, can you use your super speed to rescue a diaper from the bathroom so that I change your sister?”

He turns on his heels, puts his hands on his hips and runs like the wind. I’ve no idea how it began but it is one of the most wonderful things that has happened in my household. I’ve got a soft spot for super heroes. On Monday, he wore his red sequins to school and he would answer his preschool teacher only when she addressed him in his super name.

He says things like:

“This healthy food will make me grow strong, right mom?”

And I breathe yes, and then I slip him a chocolate cookie…the opposite must also be true? A bit of junk food will keep you small right? Freeze him in all his glory?

And then there is today…Today when all the fury that could be contained in a body that small bursts forth. A day I can’t wait for bedtime to come. A day I nearly pull out my hair. A day I want to wear a mask so people don’t know who is parenting that Helion. A day I take his teacher flowers because experience has taught me what her morning will be like.

This tension in motherhood is a gift from on high I’m sure of it. How could we watch them grow if it was all sweetness and light? Our hearts would rip clean out, wouldn’t they? And so we walk this line of pulling them in and shrinking them small, and pushing them out and helping them up.

Later in the day, when we are both breathing deeper, he follows me into the kitchen and says,

“Snuggle me mom?”

And I follow him to the living room and we face each other on the sofa. His long legs reaching past my knees. He looks up at me, and like always, reads this mamma mind…

“I’m going to stay with you forever”

And for that moment we both believe it, and shrink small into each other.

A Soft Place

Posted on January 12, 2011 by melissafed

I hear a cry from the other room.

My body is certain this is the one thousandth time she has woken tonight.

I throw my legs over the edge of the bed and groan

I huff a small tantrum for the world to see my martyrdom.

But then…

There she is.

Pink cheeks glistening with big wet tears,

chubby fingers reaching for me,

gums crimson red with the burden of erupting teeth.

She knows of no other resting place but me.

And so we fall exhausted into one another.

She fits perfectly into the fleshy place she created on me

as we grew from one to two.

And as the moon filters though the blinds,

I silently promise to always be her soft place to land.

Linking this post from my archives

(that are slowly migrating from my old blog)

to:

Word of the Year

Posted on December 29, 2010 by melissafed

Face is crusted with mucus, red skin forming beneath. We’ve not slept in days and yet I insist on a Christmas craft. We are still attending festivities (even while battling illness) and I’m desperate for them not to think it is about GETTING alone. Em is dressed partially for the party, tights and undershirt are on. I’ve broken up a few fights already, pulling each others crafts away. Little boy won’t quit his newly learned ‘cutting skill’ long enough to finish his little masterpiece. I turn to finish cleaning up the kitchen and return to find little girl colouring herself with markers. Her tights deep blue, her hands all purple, and I snap at her.

“Emily..WHAT ARE YOU DOING? We are leaving in 15 minute!”

Little face turns to lap, eyes fill with giant tears, sobs begin. It is nap time at my house and no time for crafts or frustrated mommys.

Little boy looks up at me and with his justice instinct strong, and his heart soft says,

“Mommy…you broke her feelings”.

I stop short my blustering. I’ve been flitting around the house like a wind storm, stirring up trouble with my own impatience. Driving everyone wild with my heart full of ‘rush’. Bossing husband, hustling children, as if there was a jet plane to heaven we are about to miss. As if we are desperate to pick up our food rations. There is no true rush besides the one that lives in my heart and that one wields its head too often and turns mamma heart cold.

I’ve thought long and hard what this year would be about and the moment that little boy called me out, the moment where impatience caused anger flare up and little girl tears, the choice became clear. This year will be about walking slowly, so that little feet can easily keep up. This year will be about being quick to listen and slow to speak. This year will be about being two minutes late rather than yelling ‘hurry up’. This will be the year that allows little hands to fully explore before I push them along. It will be about not letting words run off ahead of me and running into each other or running over the ones I love. This year will be one where PATIENCE is learned and refined. It is time for me to grab hold of my impatient tongue that lashes instead of builds, and it is time to learn how to walk slowly beside and to match my pace to little feet. I’m so thankful to day for the ONE who is patient with me, the one who will lead this heart into step with His.

Tis the season

Posted on December 23, 2010 by melissafed

Tis the season for sneaking into the rooms of sleeping children and slathering their faces with Vasoline and sleeping sitting up. Tis the season for smuggling medications into popsicle and cuddling on the couch to watch just. one. more. Christmas special. Tis the season of vaporub, humidifier, honey and lemons, and catching vomit in two hands

(Side bar: Moms catching vomit

It’s such a strange phenomenon. I remember my sister telling me she did ‘that’ once and I looked at her totally confused.

“really I said? Wouldn’t you rather let it get on the van? Doesn’t it get on the van anyways?”

“I don’t know she answered, it’s just instinct”

And now I know its true. I did it last night and I know why. It’s a sign of solidarity. I’m saying “I wish I could take this cup from you but until then I’ll form myself into a cup for you”. Its motherhood defined…)

Our season is defined by being held up at home, eating instant food and not getting carried away with Christmas preparations. You know what? That is ok. Perhaps God prefers to slip in the back door anyways. Perhaps he likes to come unannounced and to help in the clean up. So this evening, I’ll light the advent candles in the window. Let him know there is a little house that is waiting for Him even if we can’t quite pull off the fanfare.

Two

Posted on December 7, 2010 by melissafed

Dearest Ms. E,

I am amazed by you these days darling girl. You close my throat up tight several times a day. You with your gentle voice and sweet words. Most often we hear you whisper ‘soweeee’ and cuddle in tight for a ‘tiss’ and ‘hug’, or other sweet words like ‘Owie funny’ and ‘see daddy’. You who kisses me wake whenever I close my eyes on the couch. You who hold my face with both hands as we cuddle in the night, redeeming sleepless with shared breath. You who run till you fall breathless, laugh till you can’t stand back up. You who are becoming a great date and who just today enchanted a whole restaurant with your ‘hot totoa pees’. You the joy bringer who makes us weak in the knees. You with the always ready smile, unfailable hug for big brother when he gets hurt, you with the tender heart.

And though you are nearly chalk full of sugar…I won’t ever forget the spice. Oh you little tamale. You with your single mind. You with your never-back-down determination. You with your ferocious ‘stranger growls’ and hesitation to share. You who motions with hand in air when frustrated and says ‘hit’…though thankfully you don’t bring it down on flesh. You with your side long glances and smirks…there is trouble in you. You are two…through and through.

We are completely enchanted with you Ms. E. You are breaking hearts already…in the very best way. My heart is broken wide for you…its all yours.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mommy