He Made Me Believe

“He made me believe in monogamy” she said “I didn’t really think it could be done before him”. Her eyes trailed down to the table, blinking fast. Her hand found its way to her twelve-year-old daughters shoulder, holding on for dear life.

My hands were wrapped only around my diet Pepsi, my mind spinning on what she said. My nineteen years didn’t give that statement all the feet it deserved. I was at the point in life where I thought,

“He is your husband. Of course he did”

Now having watched one too many marriages kiss themselves goodbye. Too many women pack up and run. I realize how profound her statement really was.

She was saying:

He is the only man she wanted to influence her children,

This, a man worth sacrificing for, a life worth fighting for.

The man she had just watched die…he was more than worth what she had given up to bring herself to this place

He had made her more of herself not less.

She was talking about something that was way bigger than sex,

I think now though, it may have been the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard anyone say.

Happy Anniversary husband…thanks for making me believe.  Twelve years and every day you’ve made my life sweeter…

Funsies: Things I’m Loving in June

 

 

LOVE this website…what a fascinating experiment. This blog is collecting photos and summaries of what people would take with them out of their burning houses. This morning I submitted the above photo and my details. What would you take out of your burning house? Please comment! I’d love to hear!

Other things I’m loving these days:

  • I bought myself earrings at the Farmers Market. Oh how I love the Farmers Market in June! Flowers, strawberries, balloon animals. Its wonderful. My children love it too and I think it is how we are supposed to go shopping. I rarely feel like jumping in front of trucks when I am there (now Walmart is another story entirely).
  • This cook book! SO GOOD! Thanks Missy Jayne!
  • Castanet dog section. Three years before O was born I bought a dog. Now my baby is almost three and I’m looking at them again. Coincidence? Maybe…or it could be that bear I saw. These are supposed to be the leading breed in bear prevention…and how cute is he?
  • I finally got my porch set up this late and rainy spring. My porch is my favorite thing about my house. I bought new cushions and door mat with my birthday money (thanks Mamma and Pappa Fed!) and Joel found the rug in the youth office (if it is yours please claim it ;-). J came home with the lanterns and vase for my birthday…what a guy!

  • Friends…old and new. Hockey parties, patio parties, play dates…Feelin’ the love this week.

  • Team Aylard is on Canadian soil. TEAM AYLARD IS ON CANADIAN SOIL. I can hardly breathe I am so excited!!!!!
  • There is finally things blooming in my yard! SO fun to see what blooms in the spring when you move into a new house!

What are you loving in June? What would you grab first from a burning house????

When the World Goes up in Smoke

If you don’t look up to the sky, perhaps you wouldn’t see the two rainbows gracing it, making you all kinds of promises. Perhaps, if you stare only at your own feet and think only of your own happiness you will miss the moon nestled in cloud nest and loose perspective completely.

If the only reputation you care about is your facebook profile…

and sex is the closest thing to transcendence you have encountered…

and drunk is the closest you can get to renewing your mind

When you live in a world without hope and no purpose in your life, perhaps then, you would think it is ok, to light the world on fire and watch the rest of us go up in smoke.

 

(Vancouver Riot Photo Credit to National Post)

Dull Ache

I’ve got this dull ache in my chest for your marriage. Mine too. I want them to be GOOD. I want your marriage to be your safe harbour. I want you to trust it. I want you both to find freedom in each other, not bondage. I want your face to light up in the presence of the other. I want you to co-create the safest place on earth for your children. I want you to believe in it and in each other. I want you truly believe that your spouse is the best person you know. I want you to believe that there is not, and never was, a better person for you than the one you lay down beside at night. I want you to be happy, I want you to be fulfilled. I want you to be your best self in your marriage and I want you to help bring that out in the other.

I’ve got a dull ache in my chest for marriage in general these days. It is worth fighting for friends…

Nature Enthusiasts: AKA We may become hippies

“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.”
—  Helen Adams Keller

We’ve moved to the woods and my brain is still adjusting to the fact that I will see creatures on a regular basis. It’s the assumed risk you take living out here. To us though, detaching from the earth is riskier than embracing it.

That said…

The neighbor dog “Sam” had a sleep over last night. By chance Joel and I happened to be sitting on the deck as he emerged from the woods where he usually jumped out and scared me out of my skin as I pushed children on swings. He couldn’t make it through our new fence. He tried hard. He dug a little. He thought about jumping. He is not a small dog. He couldn’t do it. Joel and I went and put the kids to bed and met back on the deck for a late dinner about an hour later and Sam the dog was on his twentieth trip around the perimeter of our fence trying to find a way to me (don’t worry I went and visited him). It made me feel good to know even with all his trying and knowledge of our house that he could not get in. And this morning, when I watched him chase a bear down my driveway, it made me feel even better (MAN…a BEAR CAN MOOOOOVVVEEE). We also had a coyote sighting this week. The fence is my friend.

Other indicators that we are becoming thoroughly ‘countrified’ include the following list. You might be spending too much time in the woods if (in the style of Foxworthy):

You dress up your kids to go to town in their dress shoes (but those are gum boots)

Your husband takes you to a fancy golf club for brunch BUT there is fencing on the roof of your sport utility (because you don’t want to have to drive to town TWICE in one day).

Post brunch, three-quarters of your family goes rolling down the hills of said golf course until they almost get hit by a golf ball.

Your husbands chainsaw is worth more than your vehicle.

You have a peaceful bubble bath post bedtime on mother’s day and hear four different kids of motors running outside your window. One of which is a snow mobile. No we don’t have any snow.

You are in Mexico and say to your cousin “You sure you aren’t going on a date? We can go on our own? You are seriously East Coast Contemporary and we are completely West Coast White Trash”

Anyways, We’re really noticed while hosting youth groups up here how urbanized and out of touch with nature the kids in our community are. Its sad and a bit scary. Why would you protect a wilderness that frightens you? Why would you fight for an environment that you don’t understand?

And so Personal Mission number 8 billion 72:

Make sure my children understand and love nature they way my parents taught me to.

Maybe I’m the only super nerd/hippie in the making, but then again, maybe I’m not. I made a nature journal for our family to keep track of the things we identify this year. I have a page for birds we identify, animals we see, plants we learn the names for, bugs we capture and look at.  I thought other people might want to use it? I don’t know. If you do you can download it here.

Happy trails friends.

Books we like:

Keeping a Nature Journal

National Audobon Society Guides (many at the used book stores!)

A great resource from “A Holy Experience” Nature Resources (monthly teaching units)

The Things I Get Backwards

Joining Gypsy Mama with a five-minute unedited writing prompt…

BACKWARDS

I get it all backwards and mixed up.

Sometimes I shine the outside of that cup so shiny it is hard to look at. Sometimes leave the inside so grungy it is hard to live in this old skin.

Sometimes I spend more time on the things that pass away and fade instead of investing in the immortals I am surrounded by.

Sometimes (and usually at the most important moments), my tongue seizes up inside my mouth. I can’t for the life of me give an adequate response. When moments are the least important, when it would be prudent to bite my tongue, it wags like a disobedient dog.

Often times, I get lazy and grass grows under my feet because I’ve stood in the same place for too long. If you stop moving forward; growing, stretching, reaching you start moving backwards. Nothing is static.

Other days, on a morning like this I move the right direction. Up too early, knowing that to navigate this day with dignity I have to start the day right. Open journal, open bible, I pull rocking chair to window sill and soon little boy makes his way under the blanket I am wrapped in. We watch the sun pitch itself into the sky and see the trees stretch into shadows.  We watch the clouds settle in a solid sheet over the valley. Today having no words was just right and holding on tight to beauty was the only lesson that we needed.

Perhaps, I’m really not so backwards after all.

When you are a little ‘testy’

It just took over an hour to get my kids to sleep.

If anyone else says/types “just saying” in my presence, I will punch them. I know this is going to set off some sort of craze thinking its witty to say that around me. It isn’t. I will stop liking you.

I have a serious issue today with my computer. It is driving me buck wild.

I may be the most social, socially awkward person. Thus making me the most awkward person I know. I am not coming down from my cabin in the woods ever again.

My house is a disaster.

I can’t spell. Or think of anything interesting to say.

I feel like a really bad mother today. I told my son I would return the new shovel I bought him to the store. Or break it in half if he didn’t go to sleep. Oh boy. Super fail.

Yowser. Time to get that old thought life under control isn’t it?

Thankful today for:

619) Loving him everyday

620) A GREAT church family camping weekend

621) Getting dressed up for work, having a great meeting, feeling like a functional person for the first time in ages…

622) That they choose to hold hands in a crowd

623) Day off family hikes and explorations (in her celebratory Jets jersey)

624) Discoveries

625) Sunset play

626) First sports

627) First sleepover

628) Big girl bed, big girl pants. GULP. Crib is in the basement. TEAR.

629) Cuddle with sweet baby Mae to remind me that there will always be babies to cuddle…even if they are not mine.

630) A radio/cd player in the new vehicle. Oh boy such bliss.

631) Hot, hot, hot! Summer finally here? I know, I know spring would have been nice but I will take whatever I can get!!!

632) Cool evening breezes.

633) Dirty feet, scabs and a 7 foot pile of laundry. Evidence of a childhood memories made.

634) Umbrellas.

635) The look on his face as he set out on his first highway motor bike ride. Bliss.

Much better. Time to tackle the laundry and disastrous house.

 

Your Love Story Is Still Being Written

I saw him at Coopers. This little old man had shrunk three sizes since I saw him last; that day we had sat, fingers entwined,  and watched his wife breathe last. I had fallen in love with her too. I was a brand new nurse and my grandmother was two years dead already and this woman spoke just like her in practical and gentle ways. Each shift I would take my lunch in and eat with her, I just couldn’t stay away.

This day at the grocery store, he crumpled the moment he saw me. Curled into my arms and wept. We found a deli table and sat and he sipped coffee and ate crumbly cookie that stuck to his quivering lips as he tried to tell the whole story. Love story from beginning to end…

“She was the only woman I have ever loved. She was the best person to have ever walked earth”. His eyes were all full of truth and I knew he believed every word. I had only worked in palliative care for four months but I had seen full eyes before; eyes full of pain, full of regret, full of relief. Here though, was the first time I saw eyes full of love with no hint of any other emotion.  He had loved her every day.

My twenty-two year old mind shifted that day. All the romantic ideals and fairy tales died on the deli table. The truth of what love is and how to live the best of stories was clearly evident in this mans eyes. All that Hollywood tells us about being true to yourself, about fleeing when things get tough, about ‘friends with benefits’ none of it could hold a candle to the romance in this mans eyes.

At age 21 their story could’ve ended with ‘they lived happily ever after’. That is what we would all like to believe, the truth though is that the story was just starting. The bravest and truest tales were yet to be penned, the showing up for each other on the hardest days, the honouring each other in all circumstances, the fortitude it takes to stand side by side when so many are giving up, the warfare on monogamy and the games it plays on hearts. Once we know the outcomes of each of these chapters, once we see if the ‘happily ever’ stands, then we know if this is an epic love story. The kind of love future generations can hang their hope on.

Today my friend, your love story is still being written. Maybe you’re like me and you’ve let the story write itself for too long. Maybe your heroine has not invested what she should. Maybe she got lazy and distracted by babies and work and home and one thousand excuses. Maybe, she needs to pick up the pen and start writing deliberately. The best part of the story, may very well be yet to come. The ending I want, is my husband big brown eyes wet with love, teaching a young nurse someday, what ‘happily ever after’ really means, how he loved me every day.

and

Carving out moments

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” ~Annie Dillard

It was one of those days where there was too much to get done and not enough motivation to get started. So you know what I did? Nothing. I sipped coffee and I chased after my children. I had a pillow fight with the pillows already left on the floor. After a busy, away from home weekend, I really should have spent the day cleaning. Instead, we cuddled a lot. We danced a little. We wrestled on the area rug and we read books and we baked dozens of cupcakes and licked clean every spoon. We talked about how to do right and being a kind brother.

The housework will wait. Not for long, I believe strongly in a home well made, in mamma  loving her family by creating safe and comfy spaces. I’m learning though, that safe and comfy does not translate to surgical grade sterility. I never feel more at home than when I spot a dust bunny under your living room furniture.

I’ve been thinking often lately that a well lived life has very little to do with the time you have but with how you spend it. Six years ago I was incredibly efficient. People were pulled into the pulleys and motors of my life chewed up and spit out. Everything moving so fast I had no control over the outcomes. I judged others on how full their calendars were, how much output they produced, how efficiently they could produce it. The one most marred by the pace was my own spirit. I forgot what it needs to thrive.

So now, I try to carve out moments for ink and paper, for Bread of Life, for playing outside. The things that whisper hope to me. The places I find my strength, the identity that stands stronger than the day-to-day incidentals and failures.

How is your time carving going? Are you creating sweet moments for God to speak to you in your deepest places? Do you even know what that feels like? Do you remember how to find Him?

I know if feels like luxury friend…it isn’t. Make quiet space to breathe in air that smells like earth. To eat words that taste like truth.  One day, realizing your soul has died back will take much more time to repair; will cost much more than the few minutes it takes to live fully.