I bought some shoes once. The heels were high, the toes were open, they were expensive and they made my legs look eight feet long and the truth of the matter was that I knew it. Now those shoes sit in my closet and keep company with the rest of my twenties collecting dust and reminding me of all the chances I wasted.
My son asked me today:
“Mommy, are you afraid of anything?!”. He said it like I was brave, like he could scarce believe the possibility that I would be. I laughed inside because, well, I’ve been afraid of most everything for most all of my life.
It was only recently when I was able to shake myself free of those chains that were like weight on my ankles, like cement boots.
I told him. “YES. I am afraid of things. Sometimes I am afraid of bad men or bad things happening”. But later, like he usually reminds me of all things true, I realized:
”No. I am much more afraid of getting this wrong. This thing. My life. What if I waste it? What if I spend it recklessly on the equivalent of a new pair of shoes? What if I care more about cool and sexy? What if I don’t make my life about the main things?”
I have a job, it is easy and I am good at it. But the truth of the matter is I don’t care much about it. I could walk away from it yesterday and the only thing I would miss was the pay cheque, the fact that sometimes people stroke my ego. What if I never really chase my dreams, or the passions God keeps piling on my heart? What if? What if my obituary talks about my beautiful home and not about my fight for justice? What if I spend my love on myself and not on you? What if Jesus wonders, how did you treat the least of these? What if He flat-out asks me, I was hungry did you feed me?
Today as I hiked up the path to my office, in my practical $12 boots, I prayed “Lord God, make me an instrument of your peace let me see what you have for me today. Let me be the one who radiates truth when the world seeks to perpetuate facade and illusion. Oh. God.”.
Living in the Resurrection means you live in spirit. Sometimes we feed this flesh so much we think we should be thriving. Oh, look at all the quiet time I am spending! Look at all the good I am doing! Look at all the ‘community’ I am building with people exactly like me! Look at all the rest I had! But suddenly, instead of changing the world we are we are dying like roadkill. You were never meant to serve the world…her busy for the sake of herself. You were meant for a higher call.
Jesus asks us to sow in the spirit. Jesus asks us to die to the flesh. And sometimes the decay? It smells like new shoes.
Linking with Jen & friends today!