Country Chronicles: What I’m Into November 2013 Edition

Posted on November 30, 2013 by melissafed

I’m into the sun setting in splendor and three elk crossing my path on my way home from school. I am into comet sightings and the first snow falling.

I’m into slouching into a posture of listening, of holiday, of waiting. I’m into slowing my steps and retraining my eyes to notice the miraculous ordinary.

I’m into finishing my first class towards my graduate degree and loving every minute of the learning. I’m into my work again too, and the way my voice sounds like passion and I feel like this might be a good part of my call. I had a quick trip to California early November and I met some inspiring people, made some amazing connections, ordered room service, sat beside a pool. Sometimes there are just reckless blessings, my eyes are being opened to the fact that they don’t always look the way I think they might.

I am into the seasons changing and fall giving way to winter. I am into the way cold air feels on my face and the way my house smells when the firebox gets refilled. I am into the peace of snow and the way we all slow in the presence of it. I’m into the new movement of God in my heart, the way my words feel powerful and spirit filled and I sense Him again, just there under my skin. I’m into lessons learned. Like how my destiny is mine alone, how there is no one else who can live it. Learning that no one can take the place at a table that HE has set for me. That even when it seems that a dream has been lived by another? There is room at the table for me too. I’m learning what can be stolen are my quiet moments and secret places with the Lord…these are the only things I need to fight for my place. I’m learning that truth is in the subtleties; sin is in shift to the right or to the left, the corruption of the best and beautiful things (like friendships turned to interest of self, like motherhood turned to show).

I’m into the kitchen again now that the weather has cooled and am loving this squash soup, these naan and chicken sandwiches (with chutney and curry yogurt dip).

I’m into ‘too much television’ and making all sorts of hibernation plans. My reading pile is growing. My writing plans are deepening. December…I love you.

I’m into her highland dancing, his reading improving. I’m into the way they are both growing and thriving and the ways they challenge all I thought I knew about myself, what I believe about parenting.

I’m into preparations for advent and slowing my heart and picking up some books. (Watch for this blog to become a bit more active over the advent season. If you want to join me in the readings that will inspire it pick up this and this).

What were you into this November???

Linking with Emily for “What I Learned in November” and Leigh Kramer:

– See more at: http://www.leighkramer.com/blog/what-im-into/#sthash.ULTZfGB6.dpuf

Your Fear Makes Me Wonder…

Posted on November 19, 2013 by melissafed

On Tuesday morning I prayed, “God, make me light in dark places. Make me a vessel of hope. Help me understand what love is”. Turns out, God doesn’t waste an opportunity like that. Perhaps that is his very favourite prayer.

This weekend was strange. On Saturday, Joel spent the morning as a pall bearer at a funeral. In the evening, I spoke at candle light vigil I organized for a student of mine that died this week. We were deep in the hearts of broken people. People praying freedom prayers, people grieving, people standing up to injustice, people watching sadness and joy kiss.

Saturday afternoon, our family went sledding, had a tea party with fresh muffins and took our Christmas card photos. Life is such a striking contrast sometimes, the mundane and ordinary going in and out, mixed up with all the soul stretching horror that sometimes defines life on earth. I wanted to wrap my kids in bubble wrap, hide them away from all of it, cozy down in our cabin in the woods. I am never so tempted to give into fear as when I stare darkness in the eye, when my life stands in opposition.

I wrote this letter to myself in my journal, it is a declaration of hope. I am sharing it, because every conversation I have is leading me back here, the choice of hope over fear. Maybe it is for you too?

Oh Melissa.

You have me wondering. You who is afraid of this world.

Your insecurity, don’t you see it? The way it looks like a lack of faith.

Don’t you believe the faith you profess? Do you not believe He that is in you is greater?

Don’t you see that protecting your kids automatically alienates the others?

Don’t you see the way exclusivity and protection is the opposite of a Christ-Chasing life?

Don’t you see how your feigned righteousness makes everyone run from you?

Don’t you see how life shrinks? How your fear grows?

Don’t you see?

I’m not saying close your eyes, I’m saying see the dark, look it in the eyes and be hopeful anyways.

Cause my God? He didn’t give you a spirit of timidity

My God is not afraid of the dark. Or the day. Or the Grave.

My God is big enough to redeem every evil this world can throw.

And IN HIM:

There is no intellectual who could trip you.

No freedom song sweeter then the one you sing.

No thing that you are missing.

No knowledge you need to fear that will strip your children of their faith.

No sin that cannot be redeemed.

No person that we cannot love.

No condemnation for you in Christ.

No ideology that cannot be moved.

No kingdom that cannot be upended by the counter cultural ways of Christ.

There, is no power greater than the Spirit living in me.

No wound He cannot heal.

Nothing that could separate us from the love of Christ.

There is NO guilt in this life and there is NO fear in even death.

I am not saying close your eyes. I am saying OPEN THEM WIDE and choose HOPE anyways.

Don’t you see?

The whole of humanity begging for the light you have?

The hope you should possess?

The LIFE you should be LIVING….

You are the light of the world. The salt that keeps away decay.

How can you hold back the dark, the death, if you are hiding in your ivory tower?

We claim hope. Despite all else. We claim it and we walk in it.

Let us be known as a people of HOPE.

(And just because…I have tickets to opening night…thanks YAYA!)

Linking with Emily,and Heather the Tell His Story Community

In the Company of Women

Posted on November 10, 2013 by melissafed

That morning, the lake stood still, the mist settled in. As I walked onto the dock I watched the ripples run across the water, each of my steps sending tiny waves out. I was suddenly an earthquake disturbing the peace. I stopped, sat down, I didn’t want to ruin anything, had no interest in rocking that blissful boat just sitting there, minding its own business.

I’ve stepped shyly in other parts of my life too you know. Lightly almost. Not sure where I fit in the land of women, always more comfortable in the company of men. I feel like I send ripples out, change things, and I never know if it is for the better. I am a woman who revels in statements like “you are not like other women though”, I’ve made myself at home in mocking stereotypes and all the ties that bind. I’ve stayed away from the women’s retreats. I’ve made fun of scrapbooking (and knitting….and…). I have attempted to make myself something else. Something different. A hybrid. I’ve elbowed my way into the circles of men, thinking, perhaps the conversation might be more my speed. That perhaps, I would offend less often. The whole of my life, I have found myself surrounded by many male friends. I played soccer at lunch. I was on the basketball courts playing 21 at camp when the other girls were curling their hair.I speak the language of the dudes easily. The harsher. The sarcastic. The jokes. Lets talk about everything but our feelings ok?

The truth of it is I just never, ever felt like I fit, so I would rather find my place around the outside. I called women who spent too much time on their looks shallow, when maybe I was just envious that I have no concept of how to do my own hair. When maybe both of us are just terribly insecure and perhaps we both could’ve stepped back challenged the assumptions about one another that were binding and walked in a truer version of ourselves instead of just trying to be?

You see the problem is this:

I am a feminist. A raging one if we are honest. My parents left the church partly because they didn’t want their daughters bound and gagged. You hear that? Getting this theology right matters to me. I want to see women and girls walk in the fullness of their giftings. I want them to live life unafraid…of anything…especially their own skin and the way it feels to live in it. I want them to believe in the power of their voices, the call of their God. I want them to believe they have a place in the Kingdom, that their place is important, necessary. If they are married, I want them to be extraordinary wives and mothers who inspire their men to be better, to fulfill their call too. Do you see that? When a man walks in freedom his woman does too, when a woman releases her gifts in fullness she inspires him to do the same…it isn’t either / or. It is BOTH / AND. When my husband is thriving, so am I. When I am ragged with expectation and a life that doesn’t fit, it doesn’t fit him either. I tie him to the ground with my neediness, my dependence. Freedom reigns in our home when we both have voice, when we mutually sacrifice, lay aside our agendas for the dream of the OTHER. Somehow, don’t you see how time expands? Life becomes a passionate adventure into the call of God on our lives…as one…each serving the other, each freeing the other to dream more, dream again.

So how can I, a woman who believes all that, still try to separate herself? Do you see ugliness of that? The way our competition creates false divides, broken bridges, broken hearts? There is something very wrong if you are happy about the fact that you are not like ‘other women’, it means you are actually not a feminist. You are not a freedom fighter. If we are achieving something while breaking another womans back, which direction are we moving? If our life causes another to cower or to feel inadequate in our presence…what are we really accomplished? If I believe that this freedom song is ours to sing, how can I not call other women into it? How can I not actively help them to find their voice? We cannot be a freedom fighters if we are eating our own, pushing other women down so that we can reach higher, gain a false identity.

So I’ve been stepping out, attempting to find my place, and helping others to find theirs. I’ve been building bridges and circling around the women in my life, attempting to find my place among them. I’ve been brave (for me) and I’ve been bold. I hosted a womens retreat. For real. I authentically made confession to other women… things about myself I’ve never breathed out loud. I trusted them with myself and they’ve yet to fail me yet. I am finding my place, a company of women who feel like sisters, who get me, who heal me, who inspire me, who convict me. People I want to build with, dream with, people I believe are changing the world.

I want to be among the brave ones, the women who stand up straight and strong. Who strengthen the backs of each other, who see and break the chains of injustice, who bravely step into our callings, who help others to discover and walk into theirs. I think, I might be ready to rock the boat, stepping out on the water with the God of the universe, inspiring us all to just stand there, waves lapping on our toes.

(This post partially inspired by Ann Voskamps breathtaking piece here🙂