If ever it is recorded of me “what a good (wo)man that is,” I have been a betrayer somwhere. -Oswald Chambers
I revolve around the sun. And in each of the seasons the thorns in my flesh prick the same. The manifestation looks different sometimes but the core is always there. My need for your approval; adoration. I relish in it, want you to pour it on…thick. A few weeks ago I was sitting with some folks, one of the girls called me a ‘legend’ and I feigned embarrassment while rolling around in it, glossing myself up under it. Sometimes it is other words I seek, other flattery, other false images. I chase those facades and covers and cool.
And the thing about a legend is that it is built almost entirely on mythology. None of it is the truth. And so, when that cover is blown (because that cover always gets blown), I descend in to the madness, I said it right out loud to my husband “I am such a failure this week”.
He looked me straight in the eyes and said “you sound like a facebook status of someone looking for attention”.
We laughed and laughed. He knows how to breathe, just so, under these broken wings. Remind me, again, not to take myself so seriously. Again…how my success or failure means nothing. How, sure, it feels good to do things well, but my worth as a mother isn’t about whether I remembered to get the pizza order in on time. My worth as a worker isn’t if I got all the ducks lined up before they sprinted off. No. That is not my worth. That is not my value. None of it is WHO I AM. How insane it is, to vacillate between pulsing pride and beating self-depreciation, all of it is a giant illusion.
You can keep your Melissa Myth, none of that is true. I want you to see, when I am torn clean in half, that the blood of Jesus keeps my heart beating. I want you to be my witness, when I fail you and betray you completely, that I will still walk in His Grace. I want you to know that in my weakest, He is strongest and so I will embrace it….grow in Him still.
Look again. I am chasing the One true story, defending the reputation of the Hero alone, finding my name only as a subplot.
Joining with Lisa-Jo and the other Five Minute free write friends