Dismantled: A five minute free write on the word “look”

If ever it is recorded of me “what a good (wo)man that is,” I have been a betrayer somwhere. -Oswald Chambers

I revolve around the sun. And in each of the seasons the thorns in my flesh prick the same. The manifestation looks different sometimes but the core is always there. My need for your approval; adoration. I relish in it, want you to pour it on…thick. A few weeks ago I was sitting with some folks, one of the girls called me a ‘legend’ and I feigned embarrassment while rolling around in it, glossing myself up under it. Sometimes it is other words I seek, other flattery, other false images. I chase those facades and covers and cool.

And the thing about a legend is that it is built almost entirely on mythology. None of it is the truth. And so, when that cover is blown (because that cover always gets blown), I descend in to the madness, I said it right out loud to my husband “I am such a failure this week”.

He looked me straight in the eyes and said “you sound like a facebook status of someone looking for attention”.

We laughed and laughed. He knows how to breathe, just so, under these broken wings. Remind me, again, not to take myself so seriously. Again…how my success or failure means nothing. How, sure, it feels good to do things well, but my worth as a mother isn’t about whether I remembered to get the pizza order in on time. My worth as a worker isn’t if I got all the ducks lined up before they sprinted off. No. That is not my worth. That is not my value. None of it is WHO I AM. How insane it is, to vacillate  between pulsing pride and beating self-depreciation, all of it is a giant illusion.

You can keep your Melissa Myth, none of that is true. I want you to see, when I am torn clean in half, that the blood of Jesus keeps my heart beating. I want you to be my witness, when I fail you and betray you completely, that I will still walk in His Grace. I want you to know that in my weakest, He is strongest and so I will embrace it….grow in Him still.

Look again. I am chasing the One true story, defending the reputation of the Hero alone, finding my name only as a subplot.

Joining with Lisa-Jo and the other Five Minute free write friends

4 thoughts on “Dismantled: A five minute free write on the word “look”

  1. got to love your husband’s gentle honesty…my man is like that…grateful, and
    these words of yours: “finding my name only as a subplot”…praying that with you…pointing to the true Hero alone…Oh, for the grace to do so.

    Appreciated your post…greatly 🙂

  2. Crazy for this. Yes, I almost started my post today with I wish you’d all seen me yesterday I was a hot mess, melting down with emotion waxing and waning, etc etc etc blah blah. But I want to show the real and raw and expose me because the only narrative is the real one, and the only life I have is utterly dependent on HIM for well, everything. I am thankful today for His new Mercies and your blog post….among other things. Friend bless you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s